Hello I'm snoopy and I wanted to share a past life memory with you. I don't know any names of any of my past lives and I am okay with that. It is enough to just feel. If a name comes it comes and if it doesn't it doesn't. I wanted to share a memory of a death. This memory came to me in a dream but it was so vivid and real I awoke screaming.
I am a young girl around 15 or so. I am pregnant and deep in child birth but I am so tired and I am afraid and alone. I have a deep yearning for my mother which makes my heart break because she hates me for disgracing our family. I am in a small room alone and I am not married. I am very cold and the pain is unbearable making me shiver uncontrollably. My legs are bent up and they shake so badly back and forth and I feel the bed creak from the shaking. I don't know how much time passes but there was alot of blood that felt sticky beneath me soaking the mattress which did not have any sheets. It felt like one of those old army striped mattresses or something. I don't have many thoughts just emotions. Love fear Anger all flitted through my heart. I remember thinking what a waste. I smelled my own sweat and a sweet sickly smell that I can't really explain. I felt my body go limp and all I could think of was I was going to die. That was when I woke up.
In this life I have never felt a need to have a baby. The thought has always been very terrifying for me and I can remember even as a child when my mother would say things like when you have kids.....I would always choke up and feel angry with her. One day she really upset me. I was about 13 I think and she (my mother) was talking to my father. She said that she wanted plenty of grandbabies and they were laughing and I remember thinking You didn't seem all that happy the first time. I felt a huge amount of anger toward her that moment. I mean I really wanted to hit her. Which is odd don't you think?
It wasn't until years later when I started having this dream that I believe my mother in that life is my mother in this life. I think we are being given a chance to heal what happend in that life and I'm sad to say I don't feel we are succeeding at all. I am still very frightened over having a baby. terrified in fact. It all seems so wrong to feel that strongly over something so natural. but I do. I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with having a baby.
I do know that it is all my mother can talk about though. She is constantly asking me when I will make her a grandmother which leaves me sad and depressed. All I can think of is death and sadness when I think about having a child. I have talked to my husband about my fears and he is very supportive and I love children so I know that is not the issue. I would love to be a mother but the childbirth gets in the way.
Recently, we have been talking about adoption as an option for us. I don't know yet but I hope I can overcome this left over baggage from this girls horrible death. It makes me depressed just thinking of how alone she was when she died. I am not even sure if anyone knew where she was when she and the baby died. Perhaps god will give me and that child another chance if not in this life but in the next. Perhaps I have to overcome this thing with my mother before I can become a real mother. I also wanted to mention that my mother has always held a bit of distrust in me even though I have never really given her a reason to do so. She is always willing to believe the worst of me before the good so needless to say our relationship has always been a bit of a strain.
Thanks for listening
Snoopy
I am a young girl around 15 or so. I am pregnant and deep in child birth but I am so tired and I am afraid and alone. I have a deep yearning for my mother which makes my heart break because she hates me for disgracing our family. I am in a small room alone and I am not married. I am very cold and the pain is unbearable making me shiver uncontrollably. My legs are bent up and they shake so badly back and forth and I feel the bed creak from the shaking. I don't know how much time passes but there was alot of blood that felt sticky beneath me soaking the mattress which did not have any sheets. It felt like one of those old army striped mattresses or something. I don't have many thoughts just emotions. Love fear Anger all flitted through my heart. I remember thinking what a waste. I smelled my own sweat and a sweet sickly smell that I can't really explain. I felt my body go limp and all I could think of was I was going to die. That was when I woke up.
In this life I have never felt a need to have a baby. The thought has always been very terrifying for me and I can remember even as a child when my mother would say things like when you have kids.....I would always choke up and feel angry with her. One day she really upset me. I was about 13 I think and she (my mother) was talking to my father. She said that she wanted plenty of grandbabies and they were laughing and I remember thinking You didn't seem all that happy the first time. I felt a huge amount of anger toward her that moment. I mean I really wanted to hit her. Which is odd don't you think?
It wasn't until years later when I started having this dream that I believe my mother in that life is my mother in this life. I think we are being given a chance to heal what happend in that life and I'm sad to say I don't feel we are succeeding at all. I am still very frightened over having a baby. terrified in fact. It all seems so wrong to feel that strongly over something so natural. but I do. I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with having a baby.
I do know that it is all my mother can talk about though. She is constantly asking me when I will make her a grandmother which leaves me sad and depressed. All I can think of is death and sadness when I think about having a child. I have talked to my husband about my fears and he is very supportive and I love children so I know that is not the issue. I would love to be a mother but the childbirth gets in the way.
Recently, we have been talking about adoption as an option for us. I don't know yet but I hope I can overcome this left over baggage from this girls horrible death. It makes me depressed just thinking of how alone she was when she died. I am not even sure if anyone knew where she was when she and the baby died. Perhaps god will give me and that child another chance if not in this life but in the next. Perhaps I have to overcome this thing with my mother before I can become a real mother. I also wanted to mention that my mother has always held a bit of distrust in me even though I have never really given her a reason to do so. She is always willing to believe the worst of me before the good so needless to say our relationship has always been a bit of a strain.
Thanks for listening
Snoopy