Matt's Grandma--the next in your series

The first thread in this series is located at Knowing more than a three year old should

The second is at Knowing more than a three year old should (New Thread)

The third Mattsgma

 

Matthew and I were laying on the sofa watching tv the other night and out of nowhere, Matthew told me that when he dies, he wants all of his hotwheels and $500.00 in cash buried beside him in the box. He was very serious and even had tears in his eyes. He couldn't remember the name of the box (coffin) but he knew what he wanted to take with him!

 

Well, Matthew started school on Tuesday. I don't mind telling you that it has not been pretty. This morning, I literally had to carry him to the bus stop, with him kicking and knocking me upside my head. When I finally got him calmed down, he told me that if he left me, something was going to happen to me. I tried to reassure him that everything was going to be okay, but he wouldnt buy it. This afternoon when he got off the bus, he was okay but he is still not the same Matthew that was around a month ago.

[This message has been edited by mattsgma (edited 09-10-2002).]

 

matthews 5th birthday today

 

SO Grandma.....DID anything happen to you on that day?

HE may have been sensing even the littlest thing and interpreting it as something much bigger.

Just curious!

Tammy

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LOVE

It's really that simple!

 

no, the only thing that happened to me was that I got a headache from dealing with him. He is still having a hard time with this separation thing. Everyone keeps telling me it is just him conning me but I keep seeing something else behind all of this. I do know that today has really been hard on him. We bought him a commerative quarter for the one yr anniversary of 9/11 and when I gave it to him, he threw it back at me. He told me that he hated the 'new' twin towers and that things were not ever gonna be the same. Have no clue what he means by that one, but if this kind of thing keeps up with him, he is going to get his hinney beat. Tonight, I told him that he had to go inside and take a bath. I walked in front of him and you wouldnt believe what the kid did!! He spit at me!!! He swears that he didnt but I heard him and his mother was standing there when he did it. I want my old "Matthew" back, 'scary parts and all'.

 

For the past couple of days Matthew has been going to school with no problems. That lucky streak has ended today. A depressed neighbor was out in our garden area with a loaded handgun under his chin. The entire neighborhood was under a lockdown kinda thing. No one could get in or out of the neighborhood. The swat team was called in. This started around 12:30pm and ended around 6:30pm. Matthews bus stop was surrounded by police cars, swat team camper like vehicles, the news reporters and curious onlookers. We couldn't get to the bus stop to get him and had to call Stacey (Matts aunt) from work to get him from school. A local news channel kept informed by calling our house because the man was in our yard. Swat team people were in our yard with guns, undercover policemen were running through our yard. We were not allowed out of our houses. Matthew called me from his Uncle Bryans house and all he could say is "I love you Debbie". A news reporter that I was talking to on the phone, knew that we had Scotty and Destyne (Matthews 21 month old brother and their 9 month old cousin) in the house and told me to get police escort and get out of the neighborhood. She said that once the standoff has gone on for about 4 or 5 hours, they try to go ahead and take control of the situation. She must have called the police that were out in the yard because the next thing I know, a policeman was coming in the front door and taking us down the street to meet my husband, Bryan and Stacey (Matts uncle and aunt) and Matthew. Within minutes, we heard the gunshots that eventually killed this man. Matthew hasnt yet come up to me and said that famous line "I told you so" but his eyes show his fear.

[This message has been edited by mattsgma (edited 09-17-2002).]

 

OMG! What a TERRIBLE thing to have happen! Are you all OK?

DId you know the neighbor very well? I'm so sorry to hear about this. How do you think Matthew will handle it?

Tammy

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LOVE

It's really that simple!

 

No, we didnt know the neighbor but Matthew was talking to me just the week before about why people killed themselves. He had asked me why would anyone kill themself and I told him that sometimes people were really really sad and didnt know what else to do. Then, this happened. Matt has talked about it some since that day, but hasnt dwelled on it at all. In fact, he has been going to school great. When he came home from school yesterday, he looked terrible. He was sick and had a fever of 102. During the night last night, he woke up and was just staring. I asked what was wrong and he asked me if I saw the hand. When I told him that I didnt, he went on to explain how the hand was about 3 feet in front of us and how it was old looking with grey fingernails. His fever had gone down by then, but dont know if it had anything to do with him seeing things or not.

 

Checking in. Everything going okay, I guess. Matthew still has his 'days'. Just found out that he wont be going to school tomorrow because of all of this sniper stuff. The other day, he came home from school, got up in my face & called me a jerk. Then, he told me that he was sick of all of us. That he was sick of school, sick of home and sick of living. Then, he went and laid down on his bed and called me. He wanted to know if I still loved him. I told him that I would always love him, I just didnt like the things that he was doing and then he cried himself to sleep. I dont know what to do anymore.

 

Hug to you (((((Mattsgma))))))!!!!!!

Hang in there Sweetie! I really like the way you stood your ground, but also cared to let him know he is loved. My daughter has acted out at times, as memories are surfacing or something is triggering trauma from her past. Or, sometimes stress from our life now stresses her out! But She gets like that, angry abusive (yes a two year old can be abusive). I try to do as you are doing, set some boundaries and still let her know I love her no matter what. (We have a little song, "I love you when you are happy, I love you when you are mad, I love you when you are awake, I love you when you are asleep..." and we go on, adding every possible set of opposites day/night sitting/standing hungry/full, just a funny little song, we are always improvising more to add). Sometimes after she has been very cranky, I catch her singing it to herself.

After the really bad days, I try to either initiate a conversation at a calm time, after a bath, or just waking up, and try and get her to talk. And sometimes she won't elaborate at all, but it comes out in her play, or some strange unexpected comment while driving in the car (it seems to hypnotize them, Carol Bowman touches on this in her book too). On really bad days, I put her in the car and drive. It keeps her strapped in one place, and gives me a chance to calm down! Yes, we have really bad days too. You are not alone.

I remember feelig these things when I was younger too, the sense of hopelessness, that it all seemed so pointless, and I felt so lonely and empty. I didn't feel connected to things around me sometimes. Granted, some this was because I grew up in a very dysfunctional family (addictions, etc.), but I now beleive that much of it also was because I was still mourning the past life loss of my child and her subsequent abuse... although I had no clear memory, the sadness lived within me. So, when my daughter acts out, part of me says,"Oh yeah, I remember that!"

She still struggles, although we have worked through so much. She told me today, that she is sad to get bigger because "you will die". I asked why she thought that and she answered, "because you are nice". I told her I was going to live a long long time. "This time is different," I told her. But I totally understand. We both have moments when we get caught up in the past, and completely forget that everything is ok now! Or maybe it is because everything is ok, that we can finally work through the pain?

I hope this is of some support to you, sharing very openly here. It is a bit scarey to speak so honestly, but purhaps with support we can get through our ordeals together.

with love,
Marg

 

Just saw your message on Matts birthday. Did you realize his birthday and my grandson's is on the same day. Scout was born 9-10-96 he was 6 years old this year, and I think you said Matt was 5, or was he 6 this year also. interesting. Did follow your threads a while back. No one seems to have many thoughts on the birthday reverse thing on this board though. Guess that would have been too simple. Maybe there is nothing too it.

 

Matthew turned 5 this year. What is the birthday reverse thing you are talking about? Matthew goes back to school tomorrow with 'code blue' conditions. (I have been told that means that the schools and individual rooms will be locked) They will also have police supervision. Now how am I supposed to tell Matthew about that?! Or for that matter, how does anyone tell their child about this kinda stuff. I am going to see how he does tomorrow and decide from there how to handle the rest of the week or until things change. Going to ask about getting his work sent home. This sniper thing is really so upsetting to everyone. Ashland (the site of the weekend shooting) isn't but about 20 minutes from us, but with the guy behind us doing what he did and all the other things that Matt worries about, instead of telling him what was going on, we just have been answering questions when he has them as truthful as we can. I dont know, but life really didnt seem this way when I was growing up.

 

I certainly hope so. I got somewhat worried when they posted the claim that the kids weren't even safe. It's a horrible thing even for adults, but kids affect me even more.

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Galadriel aka Megan
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There is no such thing as too many books. Too few bookcases can become a problem, however.

 

HI SORRY FOR THE WIERD MESSAGE. I HAD BEEN READING SOME OF YOUR POSTINGS AND I REALIZED THAT MY GRANDSON SCOUT AND YOUR GRANDSON WERE BORN ON THE SAME DAY. SCOUT AND HIS MOTHER HAVE A BIRTHDAY REVERSE THING GOING ON AND I HAVE BEEN CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT IT COULD MEAN IF ANYTHING.
KELLY WAS BORN ON 10-9-69
SCOUT WAS BORN ON 9-10-96
WHEN I NOTICED YOUR GRANDSONS BIRTHDAY WAS ALSO ON 10-9 I WONDERED WHAT THE DATE WAS OF HIS MOTHERS BIRTHDAY. OR OF EITHER OF HIS PARENTS. THANKS BARB (ANGELS GRANDMA)

 

No, the only thing in common with Matthew's birthday is that my sister's husband had killed himself on that day and one of the two names that we had picked out for Matthew was Timothy David and her husbands name was Timmy, so needless to say when Matt was born on that date, we named him Matthew Duane. Did I say that right? But, Matthew was born in 1997 and his mother was born in 1979. Matt's birthday is 9/10 and Scotty (his little brother) was born on 12/13. Matthew been talking alot about, well, something about 'somebody putting poison ivy in the milk', we figure that he meant poison in the milk. And alot of kids were affected because of this. Not sure where all of this is coming from at all. But, just in case, let me know if anyone does hear of someone poisoning the milk or food, so I can steer him away from the news.

 

Matts Grandma. Thanks for the answer. I have always been so curious about Scout's and Kellys birthdays being reversed. Did you notice the years on Matthew's and his mom's are reversed. 1979 and 1997. Scout's and Kellys are 1969 and 1996 but their days and months are also. Kelly 10-9-69 and Scout
9-10-96. Just thought it was curious and has always fascinated me. Oh well. Have posted some things Scout has said under Grandsons memories if interested. Barb (angels grandma

 

There are people who speculate that "mad cow disease in England was in fact a terrorist attack. Toxins in the food chain will condense as they move up. Meaning a little toxin in grass or other cows food, will stay in the cows body and condense, and the condensed version will go into the milk because it is attracted to the ilk fat. I remember when a radioactive cloud went over the US when I was younf, and my Dad (an engineer) said, "don't drink milk for a few months" which I did not. And sure enough, a few months later there were reports of high level of radioactivity in milk. So, this is such an "easy target" it is hard to imagine that terrorists would not think of it. Very easy to contaminate large quatities of mass distributed food for cows. Perhaps it would be wise to listen to his warning!

Marg

 

Hi. Just checking in. Been a while, hasn't it? Matthew talking alot lately about his grandfather (my husband). He keeps telling me that his grandfather used to be a warrior but he was a teacher too. Matthew still acting like something is gonna happen if he leaves us. He won't go anywhere. Getting him to go to school is a problem every morning.

 

Matt's Grandma,

I've been reading through your postings and want to say my heart goes out to you. You must have a great inner strength to deal with it all.

When I read your post on 6-19-2002 about the patch, I asked my husband about it (he is former military and very interested in things like that). He says it sounds like it could be the patch for the group of Army rangers during the Korean Conflict known as the Screamin' Eagles. He said there was also a group called the Screamin' Eagles during WW2. I don't know if it helps you at all or just makes things more upsetting/confusing, but it's another possibility.

Hang in there and know you have the thoughts and prayers of everyone who reads your story.

Chelle

 

Matthew not doing any better . He got a toy gun for Christmas and last week, he said that he wanted to kill himself. I caught him putting the gun to his temple. I talked to him as calmly as I could telling him how scary that was for me and everyone loved him and didnt want him to die. I still let him keep the gun. I hadnt walked 5 feet away from him when I turned around and he had the gun inside of his mouth. Needless to say I threw the gun away. But I believe that if it had been a real gun, he would have done the same thing. He keeps saying that he is tired of the "tornado" going off in his head and that he would see me again. Tonight, he told me that he was tired of being "fricking retarded". Not sure where that came from.

 

I believe that Matthew needs professional counseling.
Usually I will not overstep bounds by saying something
like this, but in this case I think this suggestion is
appropriate.

There are private-practice child-psychologists and child-
psychiatrists. If these professionals are unaffordable,
Matthew's school system should have some counselors avail-
able. I really believe that Matthew needs to talk to
somebody.

Please realize that I have seen many professionals during
my life. I have both bipolar and austistic tendencies.
I am doing well due in part to seeing professional thera-
pists. There is NO shame in seeing a therapist!

I wish Matthew the best of luck. He can have a VERY nice
life ahead of him.

Respectfully,

Andrewx

 

Matthew got up this morning shaking. He had another bad dream. He said that this one was about when he was a warrior. He said that he went off somewhere and when he came home, the people on the other side of the war had been to our house and killed me. (mattsgma). Then he got mad and broke into the gun cabinet and went looking for them. As far the comment from andrewx, I am not affended at all. When I ask for any suggestions on what to do, I can't be upset with what anyone suggests to me. I have thought about it for a couple of days now, and have decided to talk to the counselor at Matthews school about some of this, just not sure how far to go. Matthews mother also has bi-polar.

 

Mattsgma, thank you for replying to my posting. I wish to say that there is no shame in seeing a therapist. It is
a regrettable thing to have any issues that need to be discussed with a professional therapist. I have seen therapists on-and-off all my life. I ALSO live alone in a very decent condominium, and hold a managerial job with a well known non-profit organization. I could not have achieved this success without therapy.

I wish your grandson good luck. He can have a very nice
life ahead of him.

With best wishes,

Andrewx

 

Havent had a chance to talk to anyone at school about Matthew yet. We had a snow/sleet weekend and the schools are still closed. I'll let you know how that turns out.

 

Matt up the past couple of nights talking about his bad dreams. He didnt want to talk at first, but once he started talking, he couldnt stop. He was shaking and his body and head felt very hot. I took his temperature and there wasnt one. He kept talking about how the kids felt and about the bomb in the car. In the past, right after 9/11, he talked about the kids being hurt. Remember? But today, he mentioned names of things. He talked about the Oklahoma City bombings. I know that kids pick up on things in the news, but do you think he have been talking about this right after the WTC, saying it was 'going to happen',when in reality it had already happened. He is still a sad little boy

 

I should start by letting you know that Matthew sleeps in a bed beside ours. My husband woke me up around 2am by tapping me on the shoulder. His eyes were wide open and his expression looked like he saw a ghost. He was pointing towards the wall beside Matthews bed. Matthew was looking at it, with his back to us, so he didnt know that we were watching. I am not sure how to explain what we saw, but I'll do my best. It looked like a foggy, cloud kinda 'thing', if that makes any sense. It was about the size of my computer screen (although if I had to describe the shape, it would be more like a sideways figure 8) and I want to say It moved around some and it kinda moved like a rattlesnake would move. I know that I am probably not making any sense and I am not even sure why I am telling you this. By the time I got my eyes focused, it slowly disappeared. Although, Matthew went right back to sleep, my husband and I stayed awake watching the rest of the night.

 

Matthew talking about his friend last nite. He hasnt talked about him in a while. Saying that his friend made him shot him because he wanted to die. When I asked him why, he said it was because the friend was mean to everyone and didnt feel good about himself. When I asked where his friend was now, he said in heaven. So I went along with him and asked how long he had been in heaven and Matthew said 'close to 100 yrs"