My friend X

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by tanguerra, Oct 3, 2007.

  1. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    I have been thinking about how common it seems to be for people to have feelings of longing for their 'soul mates' for want of a better word. We were talking about it here: Memories of a lost love Although I have mentioned bits and pieces here and there, I thought I would recount the story of my friend X in full in one place, in case it is of interest, or others have similar stories to share.

    I have met several people in this life who have been former friends, comrades, lovers, husbands and so forth, but this relationship stands above all of those by a mile. Various little things happened before we ever actually met in real life. I used to doodle the same face over and over again when I was 14 or 15 or so, much to the annoyance of my sister. It was just a habit, I just liked it. I knew when it just looked right. I did not even think I was drawing someone in particular. I later came across an old sketch book and it was, indeed, a very good likeness of X which I was doodling repeatedly. Unfortunately, (many years later when I came across it again) I got a bit spooked by it and threw it away. Now I wish I had kept it.

    When I grew up and was in various serious relationships including being married for a time, I always used to feel that something was missing. I 'knew' that there was someone else that was my 'true love', but had not met him. I would often get very sad thinking about him and wish that we could be together in this life. All the same, I would find it very comforting just to think about him and imagine that he was out there 'somewhere' and understood.

    If there was a movie with the theme of one person dying and the other one continuing on it would unfailingly reduce me to uncontrollable fits of tears. I remember seeing the film 'Gallipoli' which is not even a love story, but the story of two friends who go to war together, at the movies and sobbing so uncontrollably that it embarrassed myself and my friends! All I knew was that I knew what that was like and the feeling was overwhelming. Something similar happened when I saw 'Ghost' and various other films on the theme of a 'lost love'.

    There is an old folk song, 'Stretched on your grave' about a lover who lies on the grave of his dead love night after night 'for with you in your cold grave I cannot sleep warm'. The first time I heard that song it went through me like an arrow. I was driving the car and had to pull over and weep. I knew the tune and many of the words were familiar, so knew I must have known it before. I think that was connected with this life in Germany.

    Anyway, there was a bunch more stuff of this nature, but eventually, I met X in real life and it was like an electric shock when our eyes met (although he says he did not feel it). My sister actually introduced us funnily enough, at a party. She quite fancied him I think, but the minute we met we struck up an intense conversation which went on until the small hours of the morning and the rest of the world went away. He was suffering from a potentially fatal illness, the same one that had killed my father (leukemia), and was going into hospital the next morning for a bone marrow transplant (yes really). We talked about life, death, love, the universe, its purpose anything and everything. I did not see him for another year, while he was in hospital and I was in a relationship anyway, but I thought about him a lot.

    We remet at my sister's birthday party when he was just out of hospital and I had broken up with my partner the day before, coincidentally enough. Naturally the same thing happened again and we talked intensely all evening. My sister has always been incredibly jealous about X and to this day still does not speak to me, largely because of that. I now understand it is because, not only a bit of understandable jealousy from this life, but we were all involved in old Japan. She was the husband and he was the young man. When I had that memory, I was actually trying to interrogate my psyche as to why my sister is very antagonistic towards me and X all the time. I knew it was excessive based on the present life situation.

    Anyway, there are half a dozen or more lives that I recall when we knew each other. I can describe those if anyone is interested. Each time they ended the same way with him either dying or disappearing suddenly and I spending the rest of that life feeling the separation dreadfully and a couple of times 'ending it all' because of it. In this life we have "been together" in a romantic/sexual sense for a few months and he has broken it off twice. Each time I have been very devastated by it. But each time I have survived it.

    These days we probably see each other a couple of times a week, catch up for a c0ffee or run into eachother at various social events. Both of us truly enjoy the other's company and can unfailingly make the other laugh and smile. He features in my dreams most nights. He is just part of my psyche, as he always has been.

    These days, since I have been putting the pieces together and have come to the conclusion that the purpose of all this is for him to learn about 'constancy' and 'trust' in love and for me to learn 'love without desire' - to simply love without wanting anything in return, just for the sake of it.

    This is an extremely difficult lesson to master! But, despite poor health, he is still alive and we are still fast friends despite some fairly bad behaviour on his part over the years - this is a major breakthrough for him and for me.

    Gallipoli:

     
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  2. Eevee

    Eevee Administrator Emeritus Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Thank you for sharing this, tanguerra. I am much interested and find it fascinating how people recognize each other throughout the different lives. Therefore I would be pleased if you would share the memories from the different lives where you were connected with X. Were it always close relations (family, lovers, friends), or do you also remember lives where you came together briefly, or on a more common basis (like a relation between shopkeeper and regular customer or so)?


    Eevee
     
  3. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Hi Evee,


    Well, as to recognition, I won't always recognise someone immediately. Usually I will just know that they are someone special. I get that 'funny feeling' that I have known someone before. A mixture of familiarity, deja vu and a kind of tingling. It may take some time until I work out who they were exactly. This will sometimes come to me when they say or do something that reminds me or I will be thinking about them quietly on my own and suddenly a whole scenario will unfold.(Just like someone in this life you can't quite place at first).

    With this guy I was not sure who he was or whatever, but I certainly knew something was going on the moment we met! I had forgotten about drawing his picture until I came across the scrap book many years later. It gave me a fright at the time, you can imagine! Up until then I had always thought in the back of my mind it might all be my imagination (or something).

    The relationships that I recall have never been casual, but always very intense, love at first sight relationships that did not last long and ended in tragedy. (Most vexing, I assure you! :) )

    There is one where I was his father and he/she was a little girl. He was my little daughter who died of some wasting illness quite young - maybe 8-10 years old which was a source of great sadness the rest of that life. The wife, I identify with my sister also.

    The first one I recalled in relation to him (not the first life we shared, but the first one I remembered in detail) apart from vague feelings of sadness and loss which I knew were connected with him, was one in a coastal town in England somewhere around the 1800s, during the great sea faring age. I don't know where it was, but there were high chalky cliffs overlooking the sea and there was a large port. [Probably Dover]. I was in my early 20s, living with my aged father (who I identify with my present life father) who I think was widowed. I was working in a local hotel, or inn, as a barmaid to help out with the household bills and to get out of the house a bit! My father was very sweet, but somewhat clinging and over-protective, as we only had each other.


    I met X then in the hotel (his name was Nicholas) when he came in to get a meal. He immediately noticed me and made himself very charming to me, began flirting and showing off to me (he has done that every time :) ). He was terribly dashing to me and looked a bit like now, but a bit different. He was only in the town for a few short weeks, but we began 'walking out' together. He was going to go off exploring in Africa or South America (it was all the same to me then) and studying botany (he was a fairly rich young man in search of adventure and doing things like that was terribly fashionable at that time).

    I remember many happy times of walking along the hills of the cliff tops with him, him showing me all his little samples in jars. I thought he was terribly exotic and clever (he still is and I still do). Anyway, off he went on his voyage, with a promise to be back within a year, except he never came back. I became very obsessed with going up to the hill-top to watch out for his ship. I began to think if I missed a day he would not come back. Over and again I would imagine how happy I would be when I finally saw his sail. I remember going up there in the rain, even when I was ill. I used to ask all the sailors who came into port if they had heard of him, but I never got any news. This went on for many years, but he never came back. I never found out what happened to him, if he lived or died or what. That used to bug me the most. I had something of an obsessive streak then about this guy too, obviously!

    I don't know what happened after that. I recall working as a housemaid in a similar time, also in England but a bit older, so that may well belong to that life. My father probably would have been dead by then and we were not wealthy, so I imagine I went into service. I think I used the 'heartbreak' of that experience as an excuse never to fall in love again and not to marry (just in case he came back). I certainly never got over it.

    A year or two before I met X in real life, I came across this folk song - about a woman waiting faithfully for seven years (and seven more..) for a sailor to come home, and although my friends thought it was sloppy and sentimental, it always brings a tear to my eye (because in the song he actually came back), especially this bit...


    ...It's seven years since I had a sweetheart
    And seven more since I did him see.
    But seven more I will wait upon him,
    For if he's alive he'll come home to me...

    If he's sick I wish him better;
    Or if he's dead I wish him rest;
    But if he's alive I will wait upon him
    For he is the young man that I love best...


     
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  4. Tinkerman

    Tinkerman Administrator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Tanguerra you hit a major nerve with me this morning. I am rushing through trying to make a meeting and read your words and they made me swallow hard. I too, am infected with with this love, this ceaseless yearning for another. I'm getting good at hiding it from myself, but reading your words brought them back. I've mentioned my story a time or two and will spare you the details, but I know that feeling. Especially the feeling of recognition...it wasn't a light bulb that went off in my head, it was the Boston Symphony and fireworks! And yes, the repeated happiness followed by loss...the gut wrenching loss. I want to hear more how you've been able to deal with it...especially how you can be so close to him in this life and not share your life.

    I loved your last two paragraphs..... Thank you for your words this morning. I'll be thinking about it all day.

    Sorry to rush through...I hope I can think straight. More later.

    Tinkerman

    Tinkerman's tale - A police sergeant's memories:
     
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  5. michaldembinski

    michaldembinski Senior Registered

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    Hi Tanguerra,


    A lovely story; like Tinkerman I found myself brought up short by the following words:

    Life after life, I feel I'm moving in this direction.


    Michal
     
  6. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Hi Tinkerman and Michal,


    The way I 'deal with it' involves a couple of different things. Sometimes it works better than others!


    I gave up ages ago telling myself that I would 'get over it' or that it would fade gradually or that it was just my imagination. It isn't. It doesn't. It can't be rationalised. It won't go away. It has always been exactly the same feeling, even when I did not see him for about seven years in this life when he was with someone else. It just is what it is, so step one, is not to struggle against it, you won't win. :)


    If I sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself and think, dang it! Why me! This really sucks! I remind myself how absolutely preferable it is to a) know that he is alive and well and happy b) I can see him pretty much whenever I want c) friendship is preferable to 'romance' if it is not going to end in tears for a change this life. That's a fair exchange really. I think this life is about changing the dreadful pattern we have been in for the past few centuries. Seeing him, having him over for a meal and a DVD, chatting about politics or whatever now and again, gives me great joy. I know he enjoys having a friend he can always count on and who is always happy to see him, so, it's win/win.


    I had a sort of lucid dream/meditation once where X and I were in a spirit state, up in 'heaven' and were having an argument, something we never, ever do in real life and never have even at our worst moments. Anyway, in the 'vision' we were sitting around somewhat bored, up in 'heaven' [he was 'silver' and I was 'gold' - it made perfect sense at the time] and we could not agree which was the worst kind of separation from a loved one: for someone you love to die, if so, to die of an illness or accident, to die if it was your fault, if it wasn't your fault, to disappear and never know what happened to them, or to be in love with someone who did not love you.


    My view (always the romantic) was that unrequited/unreturned love is the most painful experience, but I was wrong. I think the worst is when someone just disappears and you never know what happened to them.


    So, if I am feeling a bit hard done by, I comfort myself with the knowledge that things could be a lot worse and get on with my 'lesson' so I don't have to go through all this again. I am teaching him about love, trust and constancy by example. I am learning love without desire in exchange. It's a fair cop.
     
  7. michaldembinski

    michaldembinski Senior Registered

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    I divide relationships into two kinds; biological-economic (***, children, capital, estate) and spiritual (art, beauty, truth, the soul). The first sort predominates (and here I'd be controversial in asserting that it's because there are more new souls than old souls around); the second on its own, without the first, is rarer, the two combined exceedingly rare.


    The second indeed brings great joy, even without the first bits.


    Michal
     
  8. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Hi Curious Girl,

    I have not really talked about reincarnation with him much (he does not believe in it). I have not told him any of the stories (I have tentatively tried to work up to it a couple of times, but he always changes the subject, I think it makes him feel uncomfortable). I told him the story about drawing the pictures when I was a child but he said that was 'probably a coincidence'. He does not remember when we met, let alone any electric shocks (he has a terrible memory at the best of times). So, I mostly just keep quiet about that side of it all.


    We did try 'going out' together a couple of times, but it didn't work out, for a few reasons, but mostly because both times he wanted to be with this other woman Y (yes, there is a love triangle going on as well! Oy! :) ) They broke up a year or so ago because he was unfaithful to her (not with me!) and now she won't speak to him, although he keeps trying. This is a new pattern for him. He just used to move on at the slightest sign of trouble in relationships when he was young. This is part of the process of him learning 'constancy' in my private opinion, although it is painful for him.


    But, all that aside, we really like each other. We have a similar intellect, sense of humour and outlook. He always lights up when I am around. Other people have mentioned it. I was talking with some friends not long ago (we all hang out in the same millieu and have many friends in common) someone was saying "Oh, X is so miserable about his ex-girlfriend Y. Poor thing. So depressed. She won't take him back...." I said, that's funny he seemed happy enough to me when I saw him yesterday. They said "Oh, that's because he always lights up like a Christmas Tree the minute he sees you."


    I don't know, when we get together we always end up either giggling like little kids, or else having very complex, high level discussions about geopolitics or ethics or something, or all of the above. My other friends complain that when we are together nobody can talk to either of us because we always have our heads together, so I have to deliberately remind him to be polite and speak to other people a bit. No matter what mood either of us is in we can always make each other laugh within about 30 seconds. We always seem to be sitting in the same position, we can exchange a glance and understand completely what we mean. Funny coincidental things happen, like we both dyed our hair the same colour spontaneously and independently once. People who don't know us always assume we are a couple.


    He said to me recently that it means an enormous amount to him that not only do I forgive him for his bad behaviour over the years but the fact that he knows that someone just loves him for no reason, whatever he does, even though he does not understand why or what he has done to deserve it. :)


    Yes Michal, I don't necessarily believe that being married is the ultimate form of love relationship possible. Sometimes when I think about it, I prefer this friendship over any of that. Love does not have to have an 'outcome' or a 'destination'. I am truly blessed to understand this, although nobody else 'gets it' that makes no difference to me.
     
  9. MarkDP

    MarkDP Avatar

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    Wondered Why


    Tanguerra I wondered why I always received so much from your posts. You are going through the same sort of thing that I have been experiencing.


    Thank you for sharing.


    There is something about this other one that brings peace. Its not necessarily a romantic thing, is it? Although it could easily turn to a very fulfilling romantic relationship.


    I can't explain. Its just natural.


    The problem arises that other people can misunderstand.


    I found my twin. We have many lessons to learn. We are determined now, not to make the same mistakes again.


    My prayers are with you.
     
  10. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Hi Mark and CuriousGirl,


    Yes, this experience is not so very uncommon is it? That is one of the biggest things I have got from this forum, is that I am not alone with these experiences, it is not so very strange (although it is not exactly 'normal' either) but there are others who have had similar experiences.

    I know exactly what you mean by this. The fact that we met this life the night before he was going into hospital to fight a life threatening illness (leukemia) and he actually survived is a huge change to our pattern. I still get a bit jumpy about something happening to him - like if he is riding his bicycle at night or something (since in all the lives I recall him in he died or disappeared suddenly and dramatically) but I have got it in perspective now. If something were to happen to him I would be sad, but I would cope. It is a great gift to understand deeply that this is only one life of many on a continuum and it's not over until it's over.

    Yes Mark, our experiences have much in common, which is in part why I was so very interested in your story when you first wrote about it. Did you ever actually meet that woman again in this life? Do you think she might be one and the same as your friend the student?


    I sat down last week and made a list of all the lives I can actually remember in any detail. I counted 17 (I may make another thread about that). Out of those 17, X featured strongly in 6 of them as the central player/most important relationship (not counting this one). He may or may not have been involved in some of the others as a more peripheral character, brother/sister/friend/whatever I don't know.


    No, it is much more than a 'romantic thing'. Whether or not we ever get a romantic relationship happening successfully in this life (I doubt it frankly) or any other (who knows?) really does not make that much difference to me to tell the truth. My psyche is saturated with him. I don't know how much difference it would make if we were 'a couple' except perhaps to add a bit of stress. :)


    We had a game of pool on the weekend all the while discussing the situation with Iran in between gossiping about some of our friends who are having a relationship dilemma, you know, just hanging out. Later on we went to a little art show someone else we know had arranged. After all that he went home to do his washing and I to similar domestic chores. I think writing about it all last week made me think about it and appreciate it more, but I don't think anyone could be any happier than I felt just pottering around in the garden that afternoon, knowing that he is alive and safe and well.


    Life is strange (especially the way I do it) :)


    Last year I wrote a whole book about 'love' (as yet unpublished) in an effort to sort out my feelings mostly in regards to X, but to understand love in general and to work out if I had learned anything yet about the whole subject despite so many lifetimes of travail! I will share this little bit, which is from the chapter where I outline my (fairly broad) definition of 'what is love'.

     
  11. Tinkerman

    Tinkerman Administrator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I'm awed in your wisdom of this topic so close to my soul. You've given me so many ways to see this thing, this blinding thing. The passion, the yearning, the fleeting glimpses of the past are almost diversions from the actual point of love as you describe it.

    I have often felt this way too. It is my way of honoring the past and distracting my heart. I truly am happy to know she is alive, well, and happy. The geographic distance, like our separate lives, has no meaning in the reality of soul...in the reality of my profound and unconditional love for her. This broad perspective you've spoken of helps me see that. I like the earlier reflection that actual love is not dependent, it is a singular expression without preface. I also adhere to the knowledge that the ultimate gift of love is to set it free, not holding it captive.


    I think in regard to reincarnation that these relationships with twin souls are meant to be challenges to us. To me the vast difficult lessons are enlightening. I was dwelling on the differing reasons people come here, and the various memories that have prompted them. I consider myself fortunate that mine is love....love for another being. My hope is in the lives and lessons to come.


    Thank you again Tanguerra. Our ability to come together and learn from each other like this is a blessing and the point of it all.


    Tinkerman
     
  12. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Thank you Tinkerman. Believe me it has been hard won! Much sorrow and upset has gone into reaching this point of equanimity (not just this life!).


    I think, ultimately, love in all its glory and complexity is one of the finest lessons we can learn on this Earth. There are others - forgiveness, patience, courage, grace, pity, compassion - the list goes on, but ultimately at the root of all these things is love. I think the more 'developed' we become the more subtle the lessons become, but they are no easier to master than some of the harsher ones - violence begets violence, anger will not solve your problems....


    If I have done anything personally worthwhile in this life (apart from my two beautiful children), it has been gaining a better understanding of it. This has been achieved with the assistance of X, not least because of some of the difficulties we have gone through and still remained true friends, but also by the depth of my underlying feelings for him which simply do not change despite the occasional surface ripples of fear, desire, jealousy, anger and so on.


    The main lesson has been how to separate love from desire. When I use the word 'desire' I don't mean physical attraction, I mean craving. This is how I put it in my book:

    I will put in one more quote. This is towards the end, when I am summing things up:

     
  13. Tinkerman

    Tinkerman Administrator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Namaste Tanguerra!


    Tman


    PS. I would love to read your book, are you close to publication?
     
  14. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    No, not yet! Just a slowly growing pile of rejections, but I just keep plugging away at it.
     
  15. MarkDP

    MarkDP Avatar

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    Yes!


    You wrote: "Yes Mark, our experiences have much in common, which is in part why I was so very interested in your story when you first wrote about it. Did you ever actually meet that woman again in this life? Do you think she might be one and the same as your friend the student?"


    Without a doubt in my mind she is Min.


    Funny in one life I traveled half way around the world to find her. In this life she traveled half way to find me. I didn't have to take that trip to Asia.


    (I'm still going though!!! It will be fun.)


    She has one memory we share. Another I don't share completely. (Its another tragedy, I am sorry to say.)


    Nonetheless, when we are together its unlike any relationship.


    Its simply love. Brother, sister, husband, wife, mother, father, friend all these are wrapped up in one person and more than these I see in her. These temporal relationships are inadequate descriptors. This may sound odd, its like being with the better part of myself.


    Whe we get to know another person well, any person, we can see how many experiences and feelings are the same. Its due to the fact we are all experincing human life together. This is more that the shared existential experience. I have said this before, "She is me." Thats the only way I can express it.


    You're right being "together" would add stress to the relationship. I thnk it would be great, but its not a necessity. There is a "oneness" that goes beyond physical boundaries.


    This is what my Buddhist monk longed to experience.


    Being "together" would be so complicated. So for now we will enjoy what we can have in this world and get on with our mission.


    I am convinced we are brought together for a purpose. We make a hell'uva great team.


    We have had a little warning this time around, maybe we can avoid "the great tragedy" and do our tasks for this lifetime.


    Again, thank you for sharing your experience and guidance. Its been very helpful. I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated your words.
     
  16. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    I know exactly what you mean Mark! I am so glad you found your 'Min' again. That is excellent. Now you can salve the old wounds. I remember you were quite upset about it all a while back. I am glad you seem more relaxed now. Blessings.


    It is difficult for many people to understand, but that is very much how I feel about X. My friends are sometimes puzzled by it, but it makes perfect sense to me. People say I have been 'very patient' with X and his shenanigans over the years, but it does not seem that way to me. I am here to help him where I can and enjoy his presence in my life the rest of the time. It just is.
     
  17. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    The strangest things always happen when I spend time with X. A week or two ago, we were in a car driving to a night club, sitting in the back seat while another friend drove us through the city streets. We were just sitting quietly while the people in the front chatted.

    I was just feeling relaxed and looking out the window when I got the strongest sense of some future life event when X and I were driving in a type of motorcade on the way to a very important meeting at the UN or some future equivalent. It was futuristic, but not so very unrecognisable. We were driving on the ground through city streets, for instance, not in rocket cars or anything! :) There were bodyguards on some kind of futuristic motorbikes to either side. I often get little forward flashes connected with X. In this future life I am involved in high level politics in some way and he is my advisor and right hand man as well as good friend but I don't get a sense of us being in a 'relationship' as such.

    In this particular future flash I got, I was quite anxious about the outcome of this meeting we were going to but he was assuring me that we were well prepared and all would be well. While this was happening (in real life) he looked over at me and smiled very kindly at me, although I don't believe I gave him any signal that anything was 'up' - I was just looking out the window - but it gave me a very strong feeling of deja vu.

    Also the other day he came over to do some washing (long story) and we were sitting in my back yard. He quite spontaneously started telling me all about these Japanese circular symbols "Kamon" used by the different families in the Shogun period, similar to coats of arms. I did not say anything but the hair came up on the back of my neck. I have not told him the Japanese story or any other stories for that matter.

    He had a hole in the knee of a pair of jeans and I was sewing it up for him (his eyes are bad) and I nearly cried thinking how happy I was that he is not dead! It sounds silly if you don't know the whole story, but I was thinking back to wishing (back then, in the long years I had to think about it after it happened) that somehow the wound he had in his neck could have been sewn up or something could have been done to save his life, anything! but there he was sitting in my back yard drinking tea chatting away quite unconcerned about these kamon while I mended his pants for him.

    I think many, many people have senses of these past life issues, but they just don't connect the dots or see the synchronicity the way I do. They just get vague feelings looming up from the subconscious, but don't know why. I know why sewing up his pants made me want to cry with happiness. Others may feel things, but not grasp these sorts of details.

    However, although X does not 'believe' in reincarnation, he has been doing a little bit of reading up about it on the side lately, so perhaps he is softening his view? :) We were discussing only the other day, for instance, that really most of the world's religions believe in it in some form or another, just not the main monotheistic ones. He even asked me to tell him one of my 'stories' but I was not feeling in the mood at that time for a blood curdling tale, particularly as we were with a crowd of people, so I said maybe some other time.

    Japan: http://www.reincarnationforum.com/threads/japan.2264/
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016
  18. Ohiomommy

    Ohiomommy New Member

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    A friend and I were talking recently about how we seem to "know" people when we first see them. Sometimes I get a really bad feeling about them. Sometimes it is a bit awkward. I am married and I do not have feelings for another man but there was one time my husband became jealous because I ran into this man at the Library one time (I am a Genealogist, I almost live there sometimes) and there was no sexsual attraction at all but we just started talking right away. I am a normally introverted person and do not just approach people and begin talking to them. It was kind fo the "dont I know you?" thing I am positive he was not flirting,. I would say I kind of felt he was a family member, not a lover. when we parted, I felt an overwhelming sadness. A not so nice one was when I went to a charity benefit not far from my home. There was a man there I will call "Ray". Many people at the benefit were just singing his praises talking about all he has done for the Crisis Center. He has a great reputation in my area. People speak of him as though he were a saint but meeting this man was not what I had expected. As soon as I looked at him, chills ran down my spine. I felt my eyes began to tear up and felt suddenly very emotional-sad and frightened. He is really very average looking, his is in his late 60s, sort of frail but tall and has a balding head, not imposing. Anyway, I was going to ask him if they needed any volunteers for the center (they always need volunteers!) and to my surprise he said that he did not think they could use my help. I am pretty good at hiding my emotions so I dont think he could read me. He was a little short with me which surprised everyone else also. My friend who works at the center was baffled by it, she said they needed help badly and that it wasnt like him to act the way he did. Everytime I go into the center and he is there, a horrible feeling comes over me. I almost feel sick and like an evil force is radiating from him if that makes sense. I was VERY relieve to find recently another woman who feels the same way around him. Now we are both confused.
     
  19. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Yes, that instant attraction or aversion to someone is a common enough experience. Personally I always put it down to some past life connection which I may or may not remember the details of. We were talking a bit about that here: "People you feel wary of".


    I think the difference is that most people just have a vague feeling, as opposed to my much more specific and detailed memories - but I have had a lot of practice at this!


    People may even have a 'bad dream' about that person doing something shocking in period costume, but they don't usually ascribe it to past life memories, they would just assume it was their 'imagination' or too much cheese before bed time.
     
  20. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    I have not been very active on the forum lately, largely because I have been very busy away on holiday, then moving house and in between prancing about on Cloud 9 for the past few months.


    Through a benign set of circumstances X and I are now sharing my new home. He needed somewhere to stay and a bit of looking after and I bought a new place and had some space, so... It has been lovely so far. Sharing a home with someone of such like mind, and who, of course, you feel totally sympatico with is a very pleasant way to live indeed. In fact it is rather odd (but nice) living with someone you are quite telepathic with and who constantly gives one deja vu! We are living in a very amiable state of camaraderie like brother and sister (only so much nicer). He is well and happy, and so am I therefore!


    In the meantime I have also been fortunate enough to reignite an old flame with a former beau of mine (we always liked each other, but the 'timing' was wrong some years ago). Let's call him 'Z'. As luck, or fate, or destiny, or something, would have it, he is also someone I have known several times before. More than once we were brothers/cousins/warriors together (in the Roman Legion and old Japan - Samurai brothers. Oh Dear! - at least that I know of. I know there are more, because I keep getting various flashes, but have been too busy to look into them). Although our relationship is and always has been different from that with X, he is very dear to me and I feel very deep and happy feelings about him. He saved my life more than once and I have no doubt would do the same again if, heaven forbid, it were ever necessary this life or in future. I feel a very strong sense of trust and admiration toward him and he makes me laugh uproariously on a regular basis.


    I 'recognised' him years before when we first met, but said nothing then. He was always a bit mystified by me before and where I was 'coming from'. I think I startled him a bit back then (it happens!). But now he 'gets' it because I finally took courage in both hands and just told him all about it. (Gulp!) He was actually intrigued and rather flattered rather than 'weirded out' by it. He is not a total stranger to these kinds of issues, although he never really talked about it with anyone much before. He said he had always felt an attraction to both of those historical periods himself and was very struck by a 'funny feeling' when he first met me, although he had no specific memories. I told him that's more often how it works.


    Best of all, neither of these wonderful men is jealous of the other and in fact both get along very well with each other. This is a very good state of affairs. I have a strong feeling there is work for us to do into the future.
     
  21. Karoliina

    Karoliina Moderator Emerita

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    It's nice to see you again, Tanguerra, and I'm happy you're in such a good place now, with the new house, "roommate" and boyfriend. :thumbsup:


    I hope we'll see you more here soon. :)


    Karoliina
     
  22. Sunniva

    Sunniva Administrator Emeritus

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    Yes, very nice to hear from you again and wonderful to hear that everything is working with you now :)
     
  23. Kay

    Kay Senior Registered

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    It is good to hear from you again Tanguerra I am pleased to hear things are going well for you.
     
  24. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Thanks guys. Finding the forum and deciding to 'come clean' with those closest to me, about this major aspect of my personality (especially when it involves my various personal relationships, as it so often does of course) has seen a wonderful outcome come to fruition. (Touch wood). X is alive, well, flourishing and safe. This gives me a deep joy that is hard to describe. It is a product of grasping the lesson that 'love' goes on, despite difficulties, time, problems, death, separation, whatever...and there is no need to worry and nothing to worry about, ultimately. I am never going to 'get rid' of him anyway, so why stress? :)


    The relationship with the other chap, "Z", is also enriched by a deep sense of trust and joy. Knowing him as I do, I see things in him that he has forgotten about himself and this brings out the best in everyone.


    Coming to terms with this peculiar special ability I have - being able to recall past lives and recognise people I have known before - using it to my 'advantage' rather than wondering if it was some kind of 'fault' or something, hiding it, pretending it was not there, or otherwise trying to ignore it, has been extraordinarily beneficial on a personal level.


    Accepting the fact that, as Phoenix has said, 'reincarnation happens' and just getting on with it, is by far the best way to go. It is hard to describe just how isolating it was before I found the forum and came to terms with all this myself. Trying to keep all this stuff under my hat and always wondering, despite all evidence to the contrary, that there might be something really actually wrong with me (blood splattered as many of my memories often are) was a strain I did not even realise myself. Now I realise there is nothing wrong with me, except that I have a very, very long memory - which is unusual, but by no means unprecedented - so may as well do something useful with it. :)


    I thank you all.
     
  25. Tinkerman

    Tinkerman Administrator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    T,


    How wonderful for you! What a hopeful thing to read this morning! Both gentlemen are fortunate. I'm particularly glad to hear you told Y about your memories and that they had some positive results. Love & life and all their queer twists and turns are certainly perplexing, too often sad, but once in awhile we read of moments like yours. I envy your proximity to X and I pray things continue to blossom for you!!


    T.


    PS. we missed you around here!! welcome back
     
  26. Ailish

    Ailish Administrator Emerita

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    Nice to see you back, Tanguerra. :) I am glad things are working out so well for you – sounds like life is good!


    Many Blessings,


    Aili
     
  27. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Thanks guys.

    Thanks Tinkerman. It is certainly a situation much to be desired. A lot of the 'static' has gone away that used to plague me. There used to be a constant background hum of "I wonder if he is OK" not to mention a general but powerful longing to just see him for no reason, often over long years of separation (and that's just this life). Now there is no need for any of that. On top of that, we have a lot of laughs and good times, so it's all good. :)
     
  28. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    I had another memory about X not long ago that I thought I would toss in. For a long while I knew there was some sort of 'oath' I had sworn at some stage in relation to him, but could not get any detail on it - so I knew it was probably something 'bad', which is usually the way when a memory won't come to the fore easily.

    The song 'Fields of Barley' is a lovely and evocative song and everything, but whenever I heard it, and it came to the chorus, I would feel a strange and powerful X-related feeling:

    "In his arms she fell, as her hair came down...
    I never made promises lightly, there are some I have broken"




    While I was away on holiday recently a piano bar man was singing it downstairs and it made tears come to my eyes. I thought "Dang it! What is this?"

    So, as I had plenty of time and nothing particular to do, I did a meditation on this 'oath' and what it might be about. I saw a golden field, perhaps it was barley? I saw blood, I knew I had killed someone (oh dear!). :(

    The memory was set in Europe (maybe France or Germany? hard to say from the costumes alone), some time when duelling was common - 17-18th century? All this occurred out in the countryside somewhere, away from the capital.

    I was a man and had been having an affair with X who was a (very beautiful) woman who was a little 'above' my social level. After some time, the affair was discovered and honour was required to be satisfied. I remember killing her husband with a rather hefty sword. It was nothing like the polite dueling with rapiers you see in the movies, there was no mucking around, it was all over very quickly. (I will spare you the gruesome details).

    I felt a complete disgust with myself, partly because I really thought her husband was a good man in many ways, and I was by far the better swordsman (maybe I was a soldier? I certainly knew exactly what I was doing) so it felt very unfair, but also because by this time I had begun to realise that this woman had rather a weak character (X has/had many faults along with his/her many virtues and charms, and certainly inconstancy and a certain fecklessness are among them!).

    Nevertheless, I swore an oath I would love her always, whether she deserved it or not, to make this taking of a life have some meaning. Although the feeling was as strong as it has always been, I felt a kind of horror at the power of my feeling for her which caused all this trouble, even though she was 'not worthy' of it, even though I could not help it. I don't think we married, but I did continue to be her friend and supporter for the remainder of that life.

    Well, I don't know if you can carry oaths over from one life to the next, but it certainly fits our pattern in many ways!
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016
  29. Deborah

    Deborah Executive Director Staff Member

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    Hi Tanguerra,


    I think when there are deeply held emotions - feelings and thoughts behind our words - they become very powerful things. We give life to their meaning -- creating a bond, a connection beyond a life time. As your story so beautifully illustrates.


    In his book "The Isaiah Effect," Gregg Braden states:

    He sees our thoughts as the guidance system that directs our emotions;

    Braden suggests that the feeling center is also the heart center. He states,

    So why wouldn't these three intelligences carry and create from life to life?
     
  30. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Yes, Deborah. You are right of course. The feeling around that 'oath' is so strong, and felt so deeply in the 'gut' that it is undeniable.

    I did a bit of a meditation on this 'incident' again last night, wanting to get a bit more detail. I did not get much - just a few fleeting glimpses - as I found it hard for some reason not to let my mind keep wandering - it was very hot, which was a bit of a distraction - also, I think I have the 'essentials' and my subconscious does not really want to rake over all that again!

    [A detail I didn't mention before is X came home late and was clattering about in the kitchen... dropping cutlery on the floor...]

    I got a good look at the scene when we first met that life. She was wearing an unusual blue and yellow dress 18th century in style - with the bodice reminiscent of a military uniform with a folded back lapel and brass buttons - some sort of patriotic tribute to our 'fighting men' I thought. It was a bit like this, but with the lapels folded out artfully to expose a tasteful amount of decolletage. (X always has and still has a liking for unusual clothes). She was sitting on a sort of couch, in a 'salon' surrounded by various people - some officers in uniform and some socialite types - some kind of afternoon party at someone's house, when our eyes met. It may have been Poland? That would sort of make sense with my personal time line, but I can't say for sure. I think we were both pretty young - early 20s or so.

    I also remembered her in a black dress at the funeral, after I made her a widow :( and feeling a strong sense of duty towards her because of all that, although it would have been dishonourable and personally disagreeable to marry her.

    The scene where I killed the husband is very strong. I was not in uniform, as that would have been very incorrect, this being a 'private' matter. (I remembered getting dressed in the cold before dawn and, fairly grimly, deciding what to wear). I remembered dispatching the poor fellow as well and quickly as possible, as honour demanded back in the day, but then kneeling on the ground in the dirt, for a long time afterwards, not weeping (there were other people around - witnesses? seconds?) but feeling very wretched, angry, disgusted with myself for getting into this mess for the sake of this woman - hence the oath. It is odd to remember feeling the emotions of a male, tough, soldier with the associated cultural thoughts and ideas of the time from my present viewpoint.

    Then, as with the Karma is wound around the soul thread, I felt a kind of 'unspooling' like I was being 'pulled' back through various other lives where this same theme was repeated - flash flash flash - death, honour, love, duty, loss, separation....Obviously there is a pattern here, which I hope we are in the process of breaking, or improving or something!

    On a slightly lighter note, X was chattering away to me last night about a medical check up he had and how his doctor was exclaiming how he is so 'tough' - he should have died several times this life, but he just keeps going like the toy rabbit in that advertisement for batteries. He makes me smile. I can never be cross with him for any length of time no matter what happens. :)

    Poland:http://www.reincarnationforum.com/threads/poland.1284/
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016

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