Hey.... tin foil hats can be stylish, and functional. I can't think of a function aside from preserving leftovers at the moment but give me time
There's nothing wrong with any of it, in fact it makes you interesting. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. That's why you can come here to speak with folks that understand on some level. I've felt completely insane in moments over the last few months now- my best friend of life, who ironically was my best friend in that life too, flat out told me I probably have a brain tumor and it was potentially making me see/hear things (typical her, I should have known). She was the first person actively involved in my life that I told any detail of it to, and that was her response. Needless to say when she had a dream similar to mine of one of his friends- it felt **** good to have her confess she had a similar experience. People who haven't felt the intensity of emotion, the physical pains of a time and place that have long since passed couldn't possibly understand, and what people don't understand they fear, and shut out or label as crazy. Trust me I've tried to shut out the feeling of his blade slicing through my stomach, or the rush of his blood over my hands when I jammed a short sword through his ribs and had to listen to him beg forgiveness while he died much quicker than myself. Not a pretty sound with a pierced lung.
It's been a rough week, it seems the more I try to tell myself he isn't here, that everything has been stress induced the stronger it latches on. My problem is my memories are hard focused on people, namely one but there are others, and it's hard for me to grasp a time/place and anything I do see or "hear" feels muffled like someone doesn't want me to remember. All I'm left with is crippling sadness, want, and need for someone I can't touch and it's affected everything in my life. Like a huge gaping hole in the fiber of my being, I've always had a sense that something, someone was missing. I have a few clues on places- and I plan on doing a little traveling in the next year or so to maybe find some more answers. Even work has been clouded by it, I work in the city so I'm surrounded by people and all I do is search when I'm not hiding in my cubicle waiting for the next wave of emptiness to hit me. It truly is like a bad breakup on steroids- it comes in tidal waves.
Darkness aside, warmth and contentment- some form of love is definitely something the human race has in common, we all seek it and the lengths we go through to achieve it is astounding. That dream was the most peace I've had in months, I wanted to live in it. People say you can't smell, see color, feel anything during dreams- well I can safely say that's not true or it's the tell tale sign of a memory instead, and it was like he was really there. I only wish I could remember what we talked about. I know he would agree 100% with you on your views of love and contentment- men like you, people like us haven't been afforded to have love without the duty of battle on some level or another. I think I've mentioned you remind me of him. I'm sure I would infuriate him in this life with my relentless attempts to get him to love me, but he shouldn't be surprised, I can be very persuasive. We tried to fight it in the past but when one person is the other part of your soul, it's impossible to stay away no matter what laws are in place.
Anyways, I think that when your father visited you- first of all it didn't sound like you had a chance to mourn him and you were in the process of awakening. That's still fresh for me and I can attest that it's hell. I'm sure the dead when they visit us with messages can only tell us so much and can only guide us so far which is why they are so cryptic. Anger seems to be a natural response, no matter how happy they seem we have a selfish want to have them here with us, and then there is all the budding emotions you've had to battle internally. It just sounds like a chaotic time for you, and that's why they send loved ones- they can handle our anger and they want to burden themselves with our sadness and hard times. That's what loved ones do and they only want the best for us- which is why I truly believe that when you were given this life to reflect, mourn, and deal with everything that had happened, your visitor only had the best interest of your soul at heart.
You Jim, are a good, sweet man. Based on what I've seen here you've had your battles to fight, and I don't know you so maybe you weren't always so kind. That's ok- there are people in my life that were once abusive as all get out and they are now the sweetest most humble people I know. People can change, they are allowed to change and it sounds like you've had someone looking out for you in these more peaceful times and you've been allowed to let yourself be a good person. I'm sure it didn't always feel that way but you're lucky to gain that awareness and allow forgiveness and acceptance seep in when you were all consumed by darkness, war, and blood. You are just as sweet and good as your brother, and me (aw shucks you know how to make a girl feel special) and any other person that has shown you kindness.