WWII German Infantry

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by chililime, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. chililime

    chililime Active Member

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    I found this forum from a Google search. I read some posts on here from people talking about some similar experiences. So alright, I guess it's time to talk about it. I've been avoiding this for a long time. There's a lot of difficult emotion here, and there are essentially zero people in the real world I can talk to. But I need to start communicating some of this stuff, even if it's hard to see my computer screen through the tears.

    This is bound to be a long, probably rambling post. My apologies, and deepest thanks to anyone willing to read it.

    Introduction

    Throughout my life, there have been clues that never quite connected.

    I've never felt like an American. From the first time I learned that Europe existed, I felt compelled to be there in any way I could - physically, if possible, but at least culturally. This manifested in a dream, one night, that I was exploring Berlin. I was showing someone where all the good restaurants are, and where my favorite park was. Toward the end of the dream, I noticed that all of the buildings were falling apart. Many broken windows, brick and mortar littering the streets. I was confused, wondering why this great city was such a wreck. "What happened?" I asked myself.

    We see all kinds of stuff about WWII in the media, in school, and in conversations. It was probably the biggest event of the 20th century, and a turning point for humanity. So, of course it's natural to feel differently about WWII than we do about other events. But for me, there was always something more "fleshed out," more "real" about that war than about any other historical event.

    Despite feeling this way, I made an effort not to express much interest in that time period. I felt, on some level, that I might say the wrong thing and make people hate me. When I was a kid, I privately printed a swastika armband for myself to wear - not because I had much interest in being a Neo-Nazi, but just because I found it comforting for some reason.

    Loud noises, in general, make me nervous. I never liked fireworks all that much -- especially the sky rockets. I mean, they look cool, and not every one is bad, but maybe 1/10 of them make a certain kind of sound that makes me anxious. One time, I was at school, sitting in math class, and they were doing construction outside. They were tearing up concrete with a kind of vehicle-mounted jackhammer, and I sat there struggling with a part of my mind that kept telling me, "it's happening again, you need to respond." I didn't know what I thought was happening, but I knew the noise was giving me a bad time.

    I've also always had a hard time gaining weight, and I was underweight my whole life until about a month ago.

    There are more anecdotes and symptoms, but I don't want to get bogged down with too much.

    Starting to Remember

    A year ago, I began a series of treatments, probably similar in nature to the kinds that this forum is already familiar with. I've learned a lot of things, including that I had an eating disorder, and several problems related to my digestive system that were inhibiting my body's ability to absorb food. This has come about partly as a result of of the process of "opening up" connections to memories that have always been there, but that I tried to avoid as much as possible. In fact, a lot of these memories are things that I remember thinking about when I was very young. In some cases, I even remember where I was when I had these thoughts. But then I guess I buried them until this past year.

    The first memory to arise was of sitting in a bunker and listening to artillery shells fall around nearby. The sound of an artillery strike on top of you is beyond description. It's about the loudest thing anyone could hear. It feels like being hit with a wall of thunder. I first remembered the feeling of being trapped in a small concrete box, helpless, scared, feeling like a child, waiting for the inevitable end. At that point, it was inevitable. We all knew the war was almost over. God forbid the artillery stop falling, because that's when you know they're coming. That's when you have to use whatever hearing you have left to find anything in the deafening silence which might give you a warning.

    The second memory, one which I haven't fully extracted from my roots, is of the machine guns. I remember their rhythmic rattle ending the silence and indicating the end.

    The memories bubble up periodically, often preceded by a headache which is only alleviated when the feelings are felt. Recently, to release one of these headaches, I sat on my back porch meditating, breathing, and crying. I smelled acrid smoke, and felt as though my body wasn't getting any oxygen even though I was able to breathe air into my lungs. I felt my lungs fill with fluid, and I suffocated.

    I have a heart arrhythmia these days. It started years ago, and it used to happen several times a day -- I would feel my heartbeat stop for a moment and then resume. During one of the first treatments I did, I was told that it was due to a stab wound. This was before I started the process of remembering the war. I was not told what stabbed me or why, but I can feel the wound in great detail. At first I thought it was a spear, but after doing some research, I found that there were no spears made in this shape. I can feel how it went in, too. With a firm forward motion, the kind of steadfastness that you don't get with a knife. It was attached to something strong. I don't have the direct memory to confirm this theory yet, but I think it might have been a bayonet.

    Feelings of Guilt and Homesickness

    So the memories and PTSD symptoms are bad and all, but what really gets me is knowing that I should have done better. I shouldn't have been in the Wehrmacht in the first place, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. People were hungry, I was hungry, and the Wehrmacht wanted to feed me. It seemed like things were turning around for us because of Hitler and his friends. I've been told that it wasn't my fault, that there were forces at work beyond my comprehension, and that I was swept up in a process that I could not have stopped or avoided.

    But I still feel like I should have done better. I feel like I helped lead good people to their deaths. I feel like I helped murder people that I actually liked, and who didn't need or deserve to die. I feel like I helped destroy my home and leave a permanent black mark on civilization -- and that's not even considering the concentration camps.

    And what else did I do? I don't want to remember some things, because I'm afraid what the answers to that question might be.

    I've spent several lifetimes bouncing around northern Europe. I understand why it was best for me to be born where I was, and to live where I do now, but I miss seeing Christmas in small wooden towns, walking over green hills, hearing the laughter of the mountains. I'm mostly comfortable where I am, and I appreciate my beautiful surroundings, but there's always a voice there to remind me that it's not my home. Home is where the heart is, they say, and I know it's true -- but part of my heart is still there between the bombed out buildings, waiting for someone to come and comfort it.

    I know I'll never be the same as I was before the war. I just hope some day I'll be able to use these experiences to make the world a better place. To repent. I hope I'll be able to walk around in public and feel safe. I hope I'll be able to hear certain common aircraft fly over without having to stop what I'm doing to avoid a panic attack. I hope I'll be able to go home.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  2. Eva1942

    Eva1942 A Walking Enigma..

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    Welcome! :)

    I have experienced many of the things you have described too, yet I was not in the Wehrmacht. For part of my WWII lifetime in Germany I was a secretary in the SS-Helferin for a high ranking SS-Obergruppenführer. Then once he passed, I was denounced as a Jew (in hiding) and ended up being a Holocaust victim..

    Anyways... :rolleyes:

    The family in this lifetime I have now, has Scottish ancestry. I've never really considered myself to be Scottish, but there are Scottish pipe and drums songs I like (The Black Bear and Scotland the Brave are my faves). I've always considered myself 'German/Prussian Jewish' above all else even though I am not Jewish in this lifetime. So I know your feelings about not feeling like you are American.

    Don't worry, I've been called a 'Neo Nazi' many times for 'such right wing comments' even though in this lifetime I am apolitical and care nought for politics. I've only voted once, and I loathed doing it. It is interesting though about the swastika armband because these were worn with the VERY early SS Black/SA Brown shirts uniforms. Just curious which arm did you wear it on?

    I dislike the sound of bombs ( I realised this was the British mills bomb) and fireworks. Fireworks remind me of artillery. Also my dislike for fireworks come from this lifetime too. Any particular loud noises?

    Feeling bad is good! This means you've liberated yourself of some residue. My advice to keep liberating yourself. When some of my memories came forth, I was all over the place with sickness. I couldn't get out of bed sick, but I still got up and went to work and everything because I didn't know what I was feeling was spiritual. I learned that it was me expelling some residue I had left in me..

    I have felt like this before too. I felt like I should have protected my loved ones better ( yes even as a Jew in hiding) and it took me years to realise that I did all I could, and I could not have done anything better. What do you feel like you could have done better?

    Whoever told you it wasn't your fault is right. What we did in Germany was so.. awful that it wasn't us. We did what we did to stay alive and if it meant doing awful things like murdering people who didn't need or deserve to die then we had to. I should know this to a treat. Everything we did in Germany we did to stay alive. Sad part is, that if we looked too clever we were eliminated. Feeling guilt for what you might have or perhaps did is the first sign of healing in my opinion.

    I prefer not to remember some things either, but at the end of the day, we can either choose to confront them or we can let the fear hold power over us even further. Do you want to deal with this in another lifetime down the track? The best time is to do it now, and just say to the fear: " Ya'll don't scare me. You can try, but ya'll don't scare me." It's frightening, it's raw and it's emotionally draining, but keep sight of the outcome which is liberation and the rest will come naturally.

    I seem to have this longing to return to Germany and the Czech Republic. Prague especially. It's almost like a Wanderlust, but then again I wish to return to Egypt and like most Holocaust Jews visit Israel. Like you I understand why I chose to return to where I did and why I did. Part of my heart is still in Prague, much yours is still in the bombed remains of Berlin.

    Have you been to Berlin recently or ever? How did it feel for you? Hope this helps,

    Eva x
     
  3. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    Welcome to the forum, chililime. Good to have another soldier here. If I can help in any way, please let me know.
     
  4. Owl

    Owl Super-alt Mitglied

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    Hello Chililime, welcome to the forum.

    Luckily, reincarnated Germans from WWII are the biggest minority in the online reincarnation world, with an online presence dating to at least 2003.

    Yes, it's a common feeling for most of us, to feel more attached to Germany than to our countries of origin this time around. Although it's common to most reincarnationists as well. The problem is that nationality comprises not just a place but also a time. Anyway, did you happen to write down or remember the names of the restaurants? That could be a good validation for you.

    Are you more interested or drawn to a certain aspect of WWII? I noticed that everyone is stereotypically interested in the area related to their past lives, the reincarnated Luftwaffe can tell you about planes, the soldiers can tell you about battles, and those who worked in KZs actually seem more interested about the Holocaust than WWII itself, depending on their experience.

    Those are normal feelings, most of us dislike Neos but enjoy collecting Nazi memorabilia. It's probably the reason why a lot of closeted/unaware-reincarnationists reenact.

    It happens. Not to me in particular (if anything, I' m more weirded out by air raid alarms) but I heard others say that fireworks remind them of WWI, or loud noises in general act as past life triggers.


    Do you think these could be from two different lives? Who "told you" that it was a stab wound? be cautious of psychics, only trust yourself.

    I don't think the Wehrmacht was that bad and I' m sure you were probably an okay person. Despite what current history may say, I don't think anyone went into anything thinking "I' m going to commit real evil today". People change in life, death doesn't change anything. If you consider yourself to be a good person now, chances are you were pretty similar in the past as well. Don't be unfair and prejudiced towards your past self. I don't believe in any "forces that were at work beyond out comprehension" causing Nazi Germany, except maybe general destiny.

    I can't help how you feel, because I cannot change people's feelings, but back then if you joined the Wehrmacht, chances are you were already feeling that your home was going to be destroyed, so you were fighting to preserve it.

    A lot of Dead Nazis were not born in Germany this time around for some reason. Maybe because current Germany is not our Germany.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2019
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  5. Klaus Heisermann

    Klaus Heisermann Trotz Allem

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    Hi chililime, let me say first off that some of the things you've said resonated with me, hard. I wasn't Wehrmacht myself but some pieces of that, especially that homesickness, that feeling of not doing enough, they're kind of universal.

    I feel you on the fireworks, and the flashbacks as well. I wasn't in the war as long as I would've wanted to be, or at least thought I wanted to be, but after a lot of digging and accepting that I'd been wrong about some things initially, I think I was around until 1944. I've had nightmares about bombings, have lost my **** mind during nearby construction if something big enough goes down/gives a kind of rattling boom, and wound up scream/sobbing into the back of my couch about how my brothers were still out there somewhere.

    For what it's worth? In regards to the guilt, and to that entire train of thought?

    I worked in the camps as well. From everything I've found, figured and solidified (much of the historical research done with the help of a phenomenally knowledgable friend I was lucky enough to meet on here): I was in the Leibstandarte. I did some very questionable things in Poland. I suffered a severe hip injury that almost killed me, and left me "unfit for the front" more or less, and was either given the option or 'opportunity' to still be 'useful', and summarily transferred to work at Auschwitz-Birkenau.

    The Wehrmacht, at least in certain circles, has at least been somewhat exonerated from the believe that we were a mass-murdering nation of antisocial lunatics, and I'm relieved for that much at least. I've always had a deep appreciation and hard-to-put-into-words respect for you guys, and I think that's from back then as well as now.

    The first memories that came back for me, around 2013, being in the woods and trying to stand up. The second memories that came back, was the camps.

    Like others have said, I have a deep, deep loathing for the Neos. I feel like they've missed the soul of what we were and what we were doing, and allocated all of their furor and frothing to the boneheaded politics of it. I think Back Then, I didn't have terribly strong feelings about "The Jews", but I can remember that I loved my country more than I can even fully comprehend. That I was more dedicated and enamored with my brothers in the SS than with any politician. I still listen to the music, and I still absolutely have the feelings.

    I hope you stick around, and I hope you share more of what you've found. I'm very, very interested in your story and what you manage to find.
     
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  6. AlteSeele

    AlteSeele Senior Registered

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    A number of folks, including myself, who've experienced battles in past lives have issues with loud sudden noises such as thunder and fireworks. You are in good company. You also have some strong memories coming forth and I look forward to hearing more about them.
     
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  7. chililime

    chililime Active Member

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    I put it on the left arm. Of course, I knew from pictures and stuff that that was where it goes. I did some research on armbands after reading what you wrote and found a comprehensive gallery (http://www.germandaggers.com/Gallery/AB.php). I guess the swastika armbands were only worn by NSDAP members. I could have been one.

    After finding that, I decided not to make an effort to do research or cross-reference my memories with historical information - at least not yet. I don't want any discoveries within myself to be colored by outside information. If something is true, it will be historically accurate whether I already know the historical facts or not. Knowing what to expect beforehand makes it more difficult to separate my own memories from the things I've seen online.
     
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  8. Owl

    Owl Super-alt Mitglied

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    I think it's safe to assume all Dead Nazis had at some point (in this life) an armband or thought about having one. I made one myself as a teenager too and I was not an early party member. I don't think it's an indicator of early NSDAP allegiance.
     
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  9. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    I'm reassured to find someone else who has chosen to do the same as I did. I've also avoided doing research on my story, as I felt that my memories might get influenced by reading outside information. I did research a timeline, as in my memory the battles tended to merge into one another, but other than that I preferred to encourage memories to surface. It's not always easy, and at times it's tempting to delve into the history books when you're not remembering what you need, but so far I've managed to keep away. However, one thing I sometimes wonder about is whether one's own memories are one hundred percent accurate in every detail. Even in this life it sometimes happens I get a detail slightly wrong. But in general, it's certainly worked well for me.
     
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  10. Eva1942

    Eva1942 A Walking Enigma..

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    Did I say that? No I didn’t. I merely pointed that swastika armbands were worn with the early uniforms. In NO WAY did I even assume this gentleman was an early party member in his PL.

    I must be weird then. Or perhaps my way of approaching research is different to yours. :rolleyes:

    chillilime, I wish you all the best with your research and discovery of memories. I hope I read more of your journey soon.

    Eva x
     
  11. Johana

    Johana New Member

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    Klaus Heisermann, I feel very similar things regarding this war that haunt me. I was not in the war itself, but I was certainly a victim of it, very likely because of a night-time bombing in Berlin around 1944 or 1945. This new year 2019, I got to see fireworks with a friend of mine from a close distance. At first, I was curious, but then when it started, I instantly covered my ears with my hands, and almost kneeled in a protecting instinct. Everybody was cheering, but the sounds were triggering and I was dead scared. Todesangst, as in German you can say.
    Also I believe there is a husband who died very soon, someone who was probably in the SS Panzer Division; who I believe I haven't met in this life time yet.
     
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