The lesson of forgiveness in this lifetime

Discussion in 'Reincarnation Questions' started by AvasMommy, Nov 15, 2008.

  1. AvasMommy

    AvasMommy New Member

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    I know this is a lesson I need to learn in this lifetime. Sadly, this is something that I am learning slowly and working through bit by bit. I realize I picked this life for the lessons it has to offer me and I know my spouse plays a huge part in this lesson for me (forgiveness also compassion and patience) and, thankfully, he is an extremely patient person and sticks with me as I try not to let my lack of forgiveness turn into anger too regularly.

    My question is, I know forgiveness is unconditional and everyone deserves it because I am not the one to judge, but just to be compassionate, but do I have to let the person know I have forgiven them or can I just put it out to the universe?

    There are two people that I am angry at and I know there is nothing productive that will come of this anger and I need to forgive and move on, but I also know that they are not healthy people to have in my life. How do I forgive them without bringing them back into my life? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Also, any thoughts on forgiving your spouse while staying committed to your marriage and happy?

    TIA!
    Chris
     
  2. ChrisR

    ChrisR Administrator Emeritus Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Hi Chris,


    Welcome to the forum - :)


    Unless these 2 people come to you, then I don't think it's necessary for you to bring them back into your life in order to forgive them. In my opinion, you forgive more for yourself rather than the people who hurt you, forgiveness is something that is in your heart rather than telling a person to their face. I have people in my present life, and my past lives that have hurt me, but I forgive them without feeling the need to tell them.


    Do you mind me asking if these 2 people did something to you in your present life, or are they people that hurt you in a past life that you recognize today? You may find this thread useful to read: Compassion vs Forgiveness


    Hope you enjoy your time here - :)


    Chris
     
  3. soulfreindly

    soulfreindly Senior Registered

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    Hi Chris,


    I think it is a good thing to explore past life connections concerning people we have a hard time forgiving. IT depends on how deep the pain. It should be done when the time is right--ie some things can be too stressful to deal with and one should reach out for guidance as to what to work on next. IT is not good to get overly absorbed in feelings of anger. It is important to surround ourselves with the supportive. SO it depends on each case as to whether one should remain together.


    Regression can help you to cope with the feelings going on with the people you are having a hard time with. I myself have carried over feelings of guilt from my past and then learned through regression work to forgive myself. This is leading to a forgiviness of these people.


    Funny that this topic came up today as it was just this morning I had a memory of the time that lead me to over exaggerate my responsibility in a karmic bond with my parents . I can now see that I was blaming myself too much.


    Feelings of guilt arise due to our expectations of a situation. SO for something we did in our past , sure we can see it in hindsight from our vantage point of being in the 21st century, but the past has different social structures than todays. THe decisions we made in our past we would not necessarily make now. But our memories of the times we had with people we are attached to now can trigger those past actions we did decide to pursue.


    Here is what happened in my past for those into listening to reincarnation stories


    I had several memories of being with my parents. The one was in ancient Egypt . I was a wealthy landowner and my mom and dad were my slaves. Until today all I could rememeber is that around the time of my death I regretted terribly not doing something directly to get rid of slavery. I came away from that regression worrying that I had done something awful to my parents.


    This morning I remembered something else. In the memory , I was already dead. I remember being wrapped in cotton bandages being prepared for mummification. THen I remembered my parents being the people who were doing the wrapping. I felt like I was a fly on the wall , and I could hear/experience all of their feelings of anger towards their life as a slave and of me being their slave master.


    I beleive I overexagerated my responsibility for their suffering. I beleive that when I was in the bardo state, after dieing in that life, I was more in touch with what was the right thing to do. So I knew on one level that I could have done something to help these slaves, but in reality when I was living that life it was a different story. We all reach a point of our soul development , where we become people who are willing to take action .


    That was ancient Egypt . My main sin was that I was happy being wealthy , I liked to flaunt my wealth. Parrallel to the two lives, in this life I grew up to dislike my parents because they did the very same thing and flaunted their wealth at the detriment of not giving me enough love... plus some other things. I beleive it is this that I need to forgive .. They are a reflection of me. But all I can really do is learn and do something about it.. Blame will not cure my lack of responsibility , I need to be happy to take action now that I can and do something to preach and live my message of the suffering caused by attachment to things.


    I beleive some of the dynamic is based on their anger at me. I am not responsible for that. That was their life and I was/am not responsible for all of it. It is through sorting out whose expectations the anger arises from .


    soulfreindly
     
  4. wrinkle

    wrinkle New Member

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    Hi Chris,


    You got some great responses from ChrisR and souldfriendly. I believe that forgiveness is one of my tasks to learn in this lifetime as well. Funny thing is that I am getting closer to believing in forgiveness only after some truly horrible things happened to my family (like war atrocities). After that it was unbearable for me to live without trying to learn it, to really absorb it. It is great that you already know that is your "job" in this lifetime. In all honesty, i believe forgiveness should be on everybody's to do list in every lifetime. Here is one piece of advice that I learned from a parenting book actually, but I find it really useful when dealing with my kids *and* my husband. :D "What you focus on you have more of." Notice and focus more on the "good" things that your husband does and you'll have more of it. Same goes for "bad". It does work, for the most part. I'm not nearly close to perfect, mind you, but I think I'm making progress. : angel
     
  5. reneelee88

    reneelee88 New Member

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    How to expand Love


    Hi,


    I thought it was quoted in the above book by HH The Dalai Lama (and I don't want to misquote him so I will say "thought", but will look it up) that we should, if possible, reconcile with the person and say sorry. But if it is not possible, to let it go and do not repeat the same mistake.

    Here is a page that helped me out alot !

    http://www.kalachakranet.org/

    Please let me know if it helped, too

    becca:thumbsup:
     
  6. Ailish

    Ailish Administrator Emerita

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    Hi Chris,


    I agree with ChrisR - I don't believe you need to allow "toxic" individuals back into your life to forgive them.


    By not forgiving, I believe one is actually doing harm to oneself by holding onto the negative emotions involved (fear, sadness, anger etc.) Those emotions can be held within the body – and manifest in many ways in both our current and future lifetimes.


    Forgiveness -- is about releasing yourself from the burden of holding onto those emotions - and it leads to healing on many levels.


    So go ahead and put it out there to the Universe ;)


    Aili
     
  7. soulfreindly

    soulfreindly Senior Registered

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    About putting it out to the universe.


    My dad was doing very badly after surgery and I was feeling torn about my goodbyes as I did not see eye to eye with him. I did a simple excercise of talking to him long distance. He made it through . The next time I saw him , his inner face had changed and he was alot easier to get along with. I really believe he heard me in those quiet moments by myself..


    soulfreindly
     
  8. AvasMommy

    AvasMommy New Member

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    WOW! Thank you all for your advice, insight, web resources and warm welcome. It was all very helpful!


    ChrisR: Thanks for the link. It was very helpful. As for the two people I am angry at, they are in this life, but sometimes I think (with my husband too) "Don't I think and care about this a little too much for it to be just this life?" Maybe I just don't see the connection yet.


    SoulFriendly: Thank you so much for sharing your story. So interesting! I agree, I think expectations cause a lot of problems, guilt and anger. I will try the "long distance talking". Maybe they will hear me (or not) and it will probably make me feel better just saying the words out loud. In the meantime, I do plan to start regression work with a professional also.


    Wrinkle: I love it...."What you focus on you have more of." Yes, yes, yes! This is another one of those things I know in my head but have a hard time practicing. I am going to try harder. Thanks for reminding me that I can choose to focus on the good or the bad.


    ReneeLee88: The link is excellent! Thanks so much! There are some wonderful affirmations there about forgiving and forgiveness.


    Ailish: I couldn't agree more. The negative emotions only hurt me. I have got to let them go. I am going to put them out to the universe and see what happens.


    Thank you all so much for your responses. I am excited to be reading and sharing on this board. It is great to find a place to discuss my spiritual healing.


    Thanks again!


    Chris
     
  9. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Hi AvasMommy,


    Welcome to the Forum. I would be very interested how you came by the understanding that forgiveness is the lesson you must learn this life? It sounds like there is quite a story there, if you would like to share it and it's not too private.

    Anger is not always unproductive. Sometimes anger, if used correctly, can be just 'what the doctor ordered'. I will quote you a little bit from my book I am writing on the subject of 'emotions' in general and 'love' in particular. I hope it helps (and is not too long!). Previous to this bit, I talk all about forgiveness and why it's such a good thing and why you should make a big effort to forgive, atone, reconcile your differences, etc. ... This is the last section in the chapter and is titled 'When forgiveness is not an option'....

    I have a whole section in the book in the chapter on Anger called 'Argue to win' - which is all about being assertive; getting what you want, but nicely. In short, don't be afraid of anger, learn to use it wisely and judiciously and in its proper place.
     
  10. W.A. HEART

    W.A. HEART Senior Registered

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    I'd love to read it! :D :D
     
  11. AvasMommy

    AvasMommy New Member

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    Hi tanguerra!


    Thank you for your response. It was very insightful and again just reinforces what I knew in my head but was having a hard time reconciling in my heart.


    As for knowing forgiveness is one of my lessons for this lifetime, this is something I have ascertained from the situations that have come about in this life that I choose. I believe I have learned much in other lives, many things that are leading me to living a life of peace and loving kindness, but there are still many lessons for me and I believe forgiveness is important for me right now.


    I am having a hard time forgiving my spouse for issues in our past (cheating and beating, move on, otherwise, commitment means work and in my case work means forgiveness and letting go of the past) and I am not sure that forgiveness is what is needed. I sometimes think I need to be more compassionate and understanding about why these things occurred.


    My spouse was "broken" when we met and has done a huge amount of work to put himself back together since we've been together. He is a great provider, a great dad and so patient and understanding with me as I learn and evolve. I think I should be more forgiving, focus on the positive and be compassionate, but sometimes it is hard. I think we have issues from past lives that I have yet to confirm or reconcile.


    There are two other (not family) people in my life who hurt me. Both have hurt me a number of times and I always forgiven, but reading your passage again just confirms that these people are toxic and I need to let go of the pain they have caused me, recognize these are unhealthy people to have in my life and move on.


    I am having a hard time with one because I think she consistently behaves in a hurtful ways towards others, not just me (ultimately out of her own unhappiness and insecurity) and I want her to stop. I know, not my job to make her stop, but I feel bad for her because I think she is a good person. This is an all around consistent theme in my life that really needs work. I think everyone is good and I want them all to be happy even if it means sacrificing some of myself. Gotta stop! Don't know how.


    The other person, a long-time close friend, was (and may still be) a prescription drug addict at the time that she tried to seduce my husband in my home while I was sleeping upstairs. I can never allow her around my family again this I know, but I (once again) feel bad for her and I hope she got healthy and is happy.


    Thank you for reminding me that I would be foolish to continually forgive and "hope" that they would change. They are not going to change but I still need to move on from the hurt they have caused me, let it go and hope they find peace.


    Thanks for sharing your insight. It is good to hear validation that toxic people cannot be enabled to continue hurting us.


    Chris
     
  12. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    I am very pleased to be able to help Chris.


    Being 'kind' and forgiving is all well and good, but you have to take sensible steps to preserve your own safety and sanity sometimes! You are important too, after all. Also, as I said, it doesn't really help the other person to 'grow' if you just keep 'copping it'. It just encourages them to keep behaving the same way which does nobody any good. This too can be an important karmic lesson, eh?


    W.A. I will send you the whole thing if you like off-line.
     
  13. Susie

    Susie Dreamer-former moderator

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    Chris:


    Forgiveness seems to be the lesson that we all need to learn-- and compassion. Forgiveness comes with time. It does not mean forgetting what someone has done with you, it means no longer allowing the incident to have any kind of power over your life. It will come naturally in it's own time as you do your own spiritual work.


    Forgiveness has everything to do with ourselves, and nothing to do with the other person. The action around forgiveness is a personal decision. As for me- even if I want someone in my life, I don't tell them that I've forgiven them. But, I change my behavior toward the person without opening the door to put myself in a position to be hurt again. If I forgive someone that I don't want in my life, it is between me and the Universe (or your perception of God).


    As for your husband and abuse- you and your children's safety is utmost. If you and the children are in danger, most communities contain shelters. If he no longer abuses, please consider counseling for all because abuse leaves scars, especially on children. Even if there are past life issues, this life is what is most important because it is in the here and now.
     
  14. AvasMommy

    AvasMommy New Member

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    Hi Susie!


    Thank you for your response! I agree and I have always known that the forgiveness is about me not about the person who hurt me. I am just having a hard time reconciling in my head.


    As for my husband, I miscommunicated, he does not abuse me or my children in any way shape or form, never has. What I meant to say in my post was that had he cheated on me or beaten me (or my children) that would be a no brainer for me and I would leave, but none of that has occurred so as far as I am concerned what has transpired are all things that warrant forgiveness and compassion. They are things that I feel I have forgiven, but I still have a lot of anger. Almost too much to be reasonable for the things that have gone on in this life time that is why I think I need to find out more about possible past lives with him.


    Again thank you for your response!


    Chris
     
  15. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Ah so! That's a horse of a different colour.


    Another little excerpt for you, Chris, which covers this particular problem. These basic principles apply to present life dilemmas in exactly the same as past life ones in my view:

     
  16. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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  17. Susie

    Susie Dreamer-former moderator

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    Chris, I do apoligze. I was in a hurry when posting this morning, thus I may have misread your posting. I am so glad to hear that no abuse is going on.
     
  18. ChrisR

    ChrisR Administrator Emeritus Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Sometimes it can be hard to forgive people that have hurt us, whether that be in our past or present lives, but forgiveness is not just something that we give to others, we are also allowing ourselves to let go of the negative energy that is assosciated with any anger and bitterness that we may feel towards others. Tanguerra gave us some useful articles to read in this thread, do any newer (or older) members have anything to add?
     
  19. W.A. HEART

    W.A. HEART Senior Registered

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    Thanks for bringing this thread up, Chris. Just this morning I was googling away (new term! :D ) and came across an article about a lady who is a Holocaust survivor. Her words are enormously inspiring, I believe.


    Interview with Eva Mozes Kor


    What strenght in this woman! I'm awed - and inspired, and marvelled. Truly wonderful, I think! ;)


    "Forgive your worst enemy. It will heal your soul and set you free. It is a miracle medicine … " Eva Mozes Kor
     
  20. Truthseeker

    Truthseeker Former Moderator

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    That was a very interesting article. I've heard it said that forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you.


    I've been the victim of acts of evil in the past. If those reincarnated souls came on this forum and shared those past life memories, I would be very interested in hearing about the experience from their point of view.
     
  21. Jody

    Jody Senior Registered

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    Truthseeker --


    Funny how serendipity works. I remember having fought and having to flee Scotland after the 1745 Jacobite uprising, led by Bonnie Prince Charlie. I remember being very bitter towards Bonnie Prince Charlie after "abandoning the cause." And what do you know, there's a guy who used to post on this forum who remembers being Bonnie Prince Charlie! I knew I had to write to him, because it's obvious now that I chose that experience for my own spiritual growth, it actually helped a great deal towards my understanding of how pointless wars are. And of course he's a wonderful guy, we had a good correspondence -- though I'm sure I didn't know him personally during that life.


    I imagine a lot of former crew members of mine had a lot of bitter feeling towards me in a past life as well. Holding power over others tends to do that. :(
     
  22. msmir

    msmir New Member

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    Forgiveness is NOT easy as I am still struggling to let go. I know it's not condoning others' actions, and it's for yourself, but it's so hard to not feel angry towards those who have hurt you. But then again maybe I have to remind myself that I am far from perfect and have done some things to upset people as well.
     
  23. Lulz

    Lulz New Member

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    Agreed.
     
  24. torrd25

    torrd25 New Member

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    Anger and Forgiveness


    Hi All,


    Here is a link for an audio talk on


    "Anger and Forgiveness".


    The Speaker's name is Ajahn Brahmavamso.


    He is theorectical physics graduate from Cambridge who became a monk.


    https://dhammawheel.com/viewtopic.php?t=285&start=40


    If any of you find it interesting and beneficial, you can visit the website at http://www.bswa.org/ for more titles.


    Torrd25
     
  25. W.A. HEART

    W.A. HEART Senior Registered

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    I agree - forgiveness is not easy. Speaking from my own experience, it's almost impossible if you just focus very hard on trying to forgive. :rolleyes:


    IMO, forgiveness is not a cause, it isn't something you do out of sheer will. It is a consequence. I believe it is a consequence of how you perceive yourself, your life journey, the rocks on your road. I don't think it can happen if you dwell on grief - if you don't get past the pain. In my experience, forgiveness has always been (one of) the products of seeing myself as a survivor - not a victim. When I think of something that has been done to me in the past, I always try to see it as something that I have moved on from, overcome. "This happened to me and I'm here, I'm stronger and I know myself better". This feeling is empowering - it makes me feel so much bigger than the person or persons who have hurt me. This strenght, IMO, is what allows forgiveness to come forward, because (in time, of course), the strenght heals the pain. And once you rid yourself of the pain, forgiving is almost inevitable. To me, it feels as if I'm saying to the person who hurt me "Here, take the hurt you caused me. I give it you, because I don't want it for myself. I pray you are able to let go of that pain as I have been".


    I hope this makes sense to anyone.... :rolleyes:
     
  26. Karoliina

    Karoliina Moderator Emerita

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    Welsh, it makes perfect sense. A beautiful post, thank you for it. :)


    Karoliina
     
  27. Tinkerman

    Tinkerman Administrator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Yes, WAHEART, well said!


    T
     
  28. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Yes. I very much agree. Forgiveness is not about being 'weak' or a 'martyr'. It is certainly not about seeing oneself as a victim. Mohatma Ghandi said 'Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong'.


    Bad feelings - such as hate and rage and shame - about past life grievances should not be held onto any more than present life ones. Once you are safe from future harm from that person, dwelling on past injustice serves no purpose. I remember various unpleasant past life experiences, but as WA says, those experiences have only served to help me grow in strength, courage and wisdom. I don't bear any grudges across the centuries. Why bother? If we have past life memories, that means we are immortal. If we are immortal, we cannot be seriously harmed.
     
  29. tanguerra

    tanguerra Moderator Emeritus

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    Just listened to this. Very nice. Well worth listening to. Thanks for sharing.
     
  30. torrd25

    torrd25 New Member

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    Useful Talks by Ajahn Brahm


    Hi Tanguerra,


    I am glad you like his talks.


    There are many more very nice and interesting talks by Ajahn Brahm on his website.


    Here are a few popular titles:


    Conflict


    Jealousy


    What is Love?


    Power of the Mind.


    Rebirth.


    You can try the talk titled "Rebirth".


    Regards,


    Torrd25
     

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