I did not think that I would do this, but I have come to the conclusion that I would rather take a chance and put this out there, than wonder all of the 'what if's'. When I was very small to about the age of fourteen, I had a terrible fear of water (even driving near a small body of water would send me into a crying panic). Started swimming in high school to overcome it, and still, after years of swimming through college, would sometimes panic with a senseless fear that I was about to die. Flashbacks in which I do not recognize my immediate surroundings or my present physical self. At a young age, I would ask my mother where my brother was, the one that drowned. She had no idea what I was talking about and eventually I realized that what I thought was a memory was not the reality that those around me shared. I distinctly remember being with a brother who was maybe two years older than me, standing at the end of a dock, and preparing to head out on a sailboat. We were both in our early twenties. And while I had this memory of me being in my twenties while still being only in the first grade didn't at the time seem odd to me. I also had and still have today, this reoccurring dream of the 'other' me and my brother, along with my 'other' family. Many dreams with all of the same family members, in differing situations. The 'other' family is very close nit and is as follows: A mother and father who I admire and think of as educated, but somewhat distant with their own pursuits. A brother who is the oldest of the children, funny and protective. A sister who is next in line and who seems to be the connective tissue of us children, gentle and serious. Another brother who is maybe two years older than my 'other' self, who is my best friend. And myself. There is about a five year gap between myself and my older sister, and about seven or eight between myself and the oldest brother. With this family, there is an intense love and close bonding. Lots of conversation and mutual respect. The memories and the dreams include a two story house with a great deal of woodwork and books. Somewhat wooded outside, and close to the sea. The dream/memories of me include those as a child and growing up with this family. A convertible aqua? colored car, a theatre/ballroom? at night with people milling about before we go inside, and the dock/pier where my brother/best friend are setting out to go sailing (early sixties from the clothing and cars). When I saw the movie "Ordinary People" and came to the scene where the two brothers have the boating accident, I became so anxious that I got sick, and was despondent for days afterwards. Every time I dream of this family, I wake to a tremendous feeling of lose and the desire to find them. And I wonder if any of it is real. And I wonder if they are looking for me as well. I am not sure why I am putting this out there, or what I hope it will accomplish. Maybe it is just to release it to the cosmos, and maybe that will be enough.