I had a bit of a flashback of sorts this evening. I have barely been out of the house in the past few months since
my friend X died, except to go to work and get my shopping. I've been a bit of a hermit.
But I ventured out tentatively tonight to hear some music a musician friend of mine was playing (jazz of course). He's an older guy, someone I've known for many years. A nice man, who I am fond of, but no more than that, who has had his share of 'woe'. It was a special night for him (long story) so I made a bit of an effort. Between sets, he was talking to me about how 'attractive' he finds me (blush).
That's nice and everything and all very flattering - nothing too serious, just fooling around (musicians!
). But, later on I was talking to his lovely girlfriend. She noticed how he was 'flirting' with me, as he often does. ... She was not upset about it or anything, or jealous or anything. She knows she has his 'heart' and his love which she does. More she was sort of curious /wondering / asking 'how do I do it'? What is it? Why do guys fall over you the way they do? How do I get them fluttering around me like moths? She's a very attractive lady and all, but she was just asking - 'what's the secret?'.
I was saying, it's no secret - I just smile and flatter them a little, tell them they're doing great, bat my eyelids, laugh at their jokes, make them feel good ... I don't even really know what it is that I do. I'm not bad looking which helps, but I'm no 'super model'. I am good company. I smile. I listen. I'm nice ... ??? Surely it's simple enough?
But ... as I was walking home later I got to thinking about it. We were talking in another thread today about 'be careful what you wish for' and it got me thinking somehow I guess. As I was walking along, I had a flashback to
England around the 1800s somewhere, when I met X, but he disappeared and I never saw him again.
...I remember many happy times of walking along the hills of the cliff tops with him, him showing me all his little samples in jars. I thought he was terribly exotic and clever (he still is and I still do). Anyway, off he went on his voyage, with a promise to be back within a year, except he never came back....
The flashback was all about how at the time I wished I knew how to 'beguile' a man. I thought there was something wrong with me - which was why he left and never came back. Did I do something wrong? Did I not know how to speak to men or something? Was I too boring or stupid or innocent or something? I wished I knew more about the world, and about men and what to do to make them 'fall in love' with me.
Then, well, the Blitz life obviously fixed all that. Now I find it super easy to be charming to men, if/when I want to. It's really not that complicated! It's not just a matter of flirting, or flattery or simple attractiveness. It's, like most things, practice and the confidence that comes with that I guess? It's understanding. It's being relaxed about it.
Little did I know of course, that what is/was going on with me and X has/had very little to do with any of that, although, of course, it doesn't hurt I suppose.
I wish I could tell myself back then not to worry about it so much. Love is love. Fate is fate. It is what it is. Ah me!