W.A. HEART
Senior Registered
Nearly three now. My oldest son was 3 years old. I had been pursuing my search for welsh lore, and by then I had discovered a new dimension - the welsh language. What a breakthrough for me - a lover of languages, words spoken and written, ancient cultures… I had began to study welsh in a more serious way, and found it surprisingly (or maybe not so much so…
) easy and intuitive, at least for me. At first, the words look like long strings of consonants with no vowels at all…. :laugh: but when you(I) hear it, it no longer feels that way.
I had in fact begun to explore a particularly interesting issue, related to the word “hiraeth”. HIRAETH. I love this word, the way it sounds, the way it looks… This word has a peculiar meaning, in the sense that there are very few languages that have an exact synonym. It means LONGING, but not quite. Homesickness, but not exactly. It’s all those things and more. You know the aura that every word carries, that goes beyond their signification? Hiraeth is a state of mind, a feeling, a noun, not a verb. Hiraeth. In Portuguese, my native tongue, we say “saudade” (sowdahduh). Yes, we have that same concept. And that totally delighted me, because apart from the Portuguese, I knew only of one other language that has it - the Romanian (and of course it shares plenty of common background with the Portuguese).
Anyway, before you all fall asleep, I wrote some short essays on the subject and, while researching on the internet, I came across a site of a University in Wales that had Welsh as post graduate studies - and so I decided to email them and share my findings, out of sheer curiosity.
Christmas came and went, and the winter set in. They didn’t answer me, and I forgot about it. All the while, the longing, or should I say, the hiraeth, was growing stronger.
And then it happened. Saturday afternoon, sitting at home, having tea. We all felt relaxed and confortable, just being lazy… my husband was reading the paper, I was lying on the floor playing with the kid. A kind of harmony had set in, and I remember smiling when my husband said “Check this guy out! He sounds cool!”
He handed me the paper and I read through a small article about a welsh man (you would have guessed by now…). For privacy’s sake, I won’t go into further detail. It had a very blurry picture of him. He did sound cool. And strangely familiar.
I threw the paper aside, and as I often do when things puzzle me beyond explanation, I “filed” the information and forgot about it for the moment.
A month later, I incidentally came across some more information about this man, and this time it hit me - I wouldn’t call it recognition, because I was so overwhelmed by the strangest feeling, a sense of loss, a kind of exhaustion, mixed with relief and… hiraeth. I saw him on TV, and there it was, that glow. That warmth.
As days passed, I sometimes wondered about that strange feeling, so confusing and so strong. But as you will understand, I brushed it aside and blamed my romantic nature for the infatuation. I’m not going to join a fan club at this point in my life, I thought to myself - it was never really my thing.
About two weeks later, I got an email from the University. Someone had read my paper and they wanted to help me further my studies. Could I pay for my plane tickets? If so, they would be willing to arrange for lodgings at their campus and provide me with a partial scholarship. This would be a short term stay, a month or so, and I would attend some seminars they were having later that year. I had to take a Welsh exam to qualify for this, would that be a problem? Could be done online, blah, blah….
I panicked.
There’s no other word for it. Panic - that cold grip on your stomach, and then the icy sensation from your shoulders and hips down to your arms and legs. Where did this come from???? I’m just curious, my line of work (I’m a tenders and acquisitions lawyer) has nothing to do with this, what sense does it make???? And since when are things supposed to be so easy???
At the same time, my husband had become aware of my “obsession” for this man. I told him that it felt as if something from a past life was calling to me. I don’t think I realized the extent to witch this was true. He was understanding about it, but growing restless.
I think he was genuinely proud when I told him of the invitation I had received, but I know that it made him even more nervous. He told me I should accept and that he was very happy for me - I wanted to believe him, and I arranged for a leave of absence from work. I never booked the flights - it was soon obvious that this would be a severe strain on our relationship, and I decided I couldn’t risk that much.
So I called them at the University and said we’d have to reschedule our plans - maybe the next year? They where disappointed but charming, and we stayed in touch by email. If nothing else, I had made some new friends.
One of my new friends emailed me one day, about an event that she believed I would like to attend. It would be great if I could come over for a long weekend, they knew one of the “speakers” (let’s call it that) and had arranged for drinks after the event. She was sure I would love to meet this guy, he was so nice and…. I panicked again, this time even worse than before.
I decided to think about it - the event was still two months away, I had time to digest all this. Or so I thought, because shortly after that the dreams began.
) easy and intuitive, at least for me. At first, the words look like long strings of consonants with no vowels at all…. :laugh: but when you(I) hear it, it no longer feels that way. I had in fact begun to explore a particularly interesting issue, related to the word “hiraeth”. HIRAETH. I love this word, the way it sounds, the way it looks… This word has a peculiar meaning, in the sense that there are very few languages that have an exact synonym. It means LONGING, but not quite. Homesickness, but not exactly. It’s all those things and more. You know the aura that every word carries, that goes beyond their signification? Hiraeth is a state of mind, a feeling, a noun, not a verb. Hiraeth. In Portuguese, my native tongue, we say “saudade” (sowdahduh). Yes, we have that same concept. And that totally delighted me, because apart from the Portuguese, I knew only of one other language that has it - the Romanian (and of course it shares plenty of common background with the Portuguese).
Anyway, before you all fall asleep
, I wrote some short essays on the subject and, while researching on the internet, I came across a site of a University in Wales that had Welsh as post graduate studies - and so I decided to email them and share my findings, out of sheer curiosity.Christmas came and went, and the winter set in. They didn’t answer me, and I forgot about it. All the while, the longing, or should I say, the hiraeth, was growing stronger.
And then it happened. Saturday afternoon, sitting at home, having tea. We all felt relaxed and confortable, just being lazy… my husband was reading the paper, I was lying on the floor playing with the kid. A kind of harmony had set in, and I remember smiling when my husband said “Check this guy out! He sounds cool!”
He handed me the paper and I read through a small article about a welsh man (you would have guessed by now…). For privacy’s sake, I won’t go into further detail. It had a very blurry picture of him. He did sound cool. And strangely familiar.
I threw the paper aside, and as I often do when things puzzle me beyond explanation, I “filed” the information and forgot about it for the moment.
A month later, I incidentally came across some more information about this man, and this time it hit me - I wouldn’t call it recognition, because I was so overwhelmed by the strangest feeling, a sense of loss, a kind of exhaustion, mixed with relief and… hiraeth. I saw him on TV, and there it was, that glow. That warmth.
As days passed, I sometimes wondered about that strange feeling, so confusing and so strong. But as you will understand, I brushed it aside and blamed my romantic nature for the infatuation. I’m not going to join a fan club at this point in my life, I thought to myself - it was never really my thing.
About two weeks later, I got an email from the University. Someone had read my paper and they wanted to help me further my studies. Could I pay for my plane tickets? If so, they would be willing to arrange for lodgings at their campus and provide me with a partial scholarship. This would be a short term stay, a month or so, and I would attend some seminars they were having later that year. I had to take a Welsh exam to qualify for this, would that be a problem? Could be done online, blah, blah….
I panicked.
There’s no other word for it. Panic - that cold grip on your stomach, and then the icy sensation from your shoulders and hips down to your arms and legs. Where did this come from???? I’m just curious, my line of work (I’m a tenders and acquisitions lawyer) has nothing to do with this, what sense does it make???? And since when are things supposed to be so easy???
At the same time, my husband had become aware of my “obsession” for this man. I told him that it felt as if something from a past life was calling to me. I don’t think I realized the extent to witch this was true. He was understanding about it, but growing restless.
I think he was genuinely proud when I told him of the invitation I had received, but I know that it made him even more nervous. He told me I should accept and that he was very happy for me - I wanted to believe him, and I arranged for a leave of absence from work. I never booked the flights - it was soon obvious that this would be a severe strain on our relationship, and I decided I couldn’t risk that much.
So I called them at the University and said we’d have to reschedule our plans - maybe the next year? They where disappointed but charming, and we stayed in touch by email. If nothing else, I had made some new friends
.One of my new friends emailed me one day, about an event that she believed I would like to attend. It would be great if I could come over for a long weekend, they knew one of the “speakers” (let’s call it that) and had arranged for drinks after the event. She was sure I would love to meet this guy, he was so nice and…. I panicked again, this time even worse than before.
I decided to think about it - the event was still two months away, I had time to digest all this. Or so I thought, because shortly after that the dreams began.
